[stylist] stylist Digest, Vol 106, Issue 17

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Chris,

Thanks for the comments. As always, you give me something to consider.

I agree with the use of "gasp" in that line. I think I want something
more powerful than sigh, but you're right, gasp may give the wrong
conotation.

I'm actually not sure about the tell-tell vs. tale-tale. I always
assumed it was tell-tell. One of those homophone situations. Does anyone
know for sure? Maybe I'll look up the Edgar Allen Poe story, grin.

I think I remember SpellCheck wanting to change nurses to nurse's, and I
let it, not thinking to double check the context. I wrote this arund 4
in the morning, so... Grin.

I tend to write lyrical essays, so the prose can take on almost
poetic-like voice, and to be honest, there are times when I read
something I wrote and think, "Wow, that's pretty but what does it mean?"
So going through another edit, I'll pay attention to those moments and
see if they belong or not.

I hesitated over the bleeding and broken too since he wasn't exactly
broken. He was sick, and I guess I was trying to find an exaggerated
emotion to demonstrate how it felt. Also, I wrote the part of everything
being muted except for the sound of Declan because in that moment, all I
heard was his little quiet sounds. I can try making this clearer.

I see what you say about ending it at home sweet home. I thought of this
too, but I didn't want to make it too cheesy or corny, and I also didn't
want the focus to be the song, but for the song to just act as a natural
part of the essay. And like I mentioned to Vejas, I wanted to end up
back at the beginning. I can try revisiting this, and maybe I can fuse
the two.

I'm just glad I finally had some time to attempt anything, smile. I
literally could hold Declan all day long, but I also have a desire to
write, so it was nice to find time to focus on this even if it was four
a.m. grin!

Bridgit
Message: 26
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2013 08:50:20 -0500
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Bridgit's prompt response
Message-ID: <C46617A3C5E84FCEBDAEEBAC7D667F83 at ChrisPC>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="iso-8859-1"

Bridgit,

I think you did a nice job with this prompt, especially how you weaved
the song into the piece at the beginning and the end. Well done. I've
also experienced that overwhelming amount of love you feel when holding
your baby. I've never been able to capture that feeling in prose, and
I'm no poet.  

As for constructive feedback, my primary advice would be to trim. While
it's usually better to use strong verbs, nons and adjectives, sometimes
that can lead to what I think of as over-writing. Here's an example:
I gasp, unsure if this moment is real. 

To me, gasp is too strong. Perhaps sigh?   

Warm liquid gushes around me as I feel the tell-tell tightenings travel
down my stomach.
I think this should be 'tell-tale'

Ross holds my hand as nurse's remark on the
intensity of my contractions- yet I still feel no pain. 
Nurses should be plural, not possessive

They pull him from my body, bleeding and broken. Ross sniffles.
Everything is muted except my baby, but he makes no noise.Don't they
cry? Aren't they suppose to cry?  

To me, bleeding and broken is too strong here. He's not bleeding, he's
bloody. He's not broken, he's distressed, or unresponsive might be even
better. The sentence about muted but your baby who is quiet doesn't make
sense. I'd simplify that by something like--My baby is quiet. Shouldn't
he be crying?

    "We didn't anticipate this. We're not entirely sure what is
happening." The doctor clears his throat. Papers rustle between the
heart beats.

This dialogue packs a powerful punch. Every parent's nightmare. And the
papers rustling between heartbeats is a fantastic detail. That puts the
reader right there. Excellent.

Liquid silver laps my wounds, embracing me
like a lost friend.
This is absolutely a beautiful line, but does it really belong in this
essay? To me, it's too mellodramatic.   
 
I wished upon a star and have wake with the clouds far behind me. Our
troubles have melted like lemon drops, and I have found you. 
Should that be 'woken'? 

While there's nothing wrong with the last bit, I felt the piece really
ended with 'there's no place like home'. That brings us back to the
song, and lets the reader know everything is okay.

I'm glad to see you writing again, Bridgit, and it's always a pleasure
reading your work. I hope you take my comments as they were intended.

chris