[nfbwatlk] my email not going to list, urgent (fwd)

[Mike Freeman]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 09 May 2006 00:23:40 -0700
From: Elizabeth Lalonde <elalonde at shaw.ca>
To: k7uij at panix.com
Subject: my email not going to list, urgent

Hi Mike, I need to get this message to the NFBW list, and for some reason
every time I try to send it, it returns undeliverable.
Could you please make sure the appropriate people receive the following
message about the blind parent issue regarding the problem with the social
worker.
Thank you so much.
Warmly,
Elizabeth

Hello,
My name is Elizabeth Lalonde.  I am president of the Canadian federation of
the Blind, NFB sister organization. I have just finished writing a draft of
an educational pamphlet on blind parents.  I am also a blind parent myself.
My son is two. Unfortunately, the pamphlet is still in draft form and I have
not yet obtained permission to use materials from some of those quoted in
it.  However, all materials quoted have been previously published mostly in
the Braille Monitor or in our publication the Blind Canadian.
    In this case, I think it is more important to get the information out.  I
will paste the draft brochure below in this email. Please excuse  any errors
you may find. Also, note the NFB has a blind parent list, which may be
useful to contact. Please let me know if you have any questions. Warmly,
Elizabeth Lalonde president at cfb.ca
--

Blind Parents
A publication of the Canadian Federation of the Blind
(Please note this brochure is still in draft form)

Good Parenting Has Nothing to do with Sight



"It's not what you can or can't see that makes you a good parent; it's what
you teach your child about love and life and living in the world," quote
from Loving Elizabeth., reprinted in the Braille Monitor.

As a sighted person, it can be hard to understand how a blind person can
take care of a child.  This lack of understanding in the public stimulated
the need for this brochure - the need to raise awareness about the abilities
of blind parents.

Like all the  things blind people do: working, studying, participating in
sports and community life, blind people are parents.

Blind parents may sometimes use alternative techniques, but they do the job
of parenting like anyone else. Blindness is a skill.  It takes time and
practice to learn to be a competent blind person.  Blind people must learn
the skills of blindness: traveling proficiently with the long white cane or
guide dog; reading Braille; cooking, cleaning and other activities.  Once a
blind person learns these skills, and if he or she has a good attitude and
the opportunity, blind people can do almost everything that sighted people
do, including becoming parents.

"With  training and opportunity, blind people can compete on terms of
equality with their sighted peers."

"Blindness is not a handicap, but a characteristic."


Questions and Answers

Q: How do you keep track of your toddler when you are blind?  I am sighted,
and I have a hard time doing it.

A:  Blind parents use a variety of techniques to keep track of fast-moving
toddlers.  Sometimes they pin a bell to the back of the child's shirt or
attach a bell to the child's shoe laces, or have them wear a pair of squeaky
shoes.  In crowded places, blind parents may use a harness.  If they are at
a play ground or play gym, they will follow the child around and keep in
close contact with them, instead of standing on the sidelines like many
sighted parents do.

Like sighted parents who aren't always in the same room as their child,
blind parents pay attention by listening to their child's activities.  Blind
people are  used to using their ears to determine what is happening around
them.  If a child gets too quiet or too loud, or makes an unusual sound, the
parent will check on the child.


Q: How do blind people look after babies?

A:  All of the tasks involved in looking after an infant involve using the
sense of touch.  Changing diapers, Breastfeeding, cuddling, carrying,
bathing, are all non-visual activities.  Nothing more is required than a
responsible person with caring hands and a loving heart.


Q:  How do blind parents  know if their children are in a dangerous
situation?

A:  When blind people have young children, they are especially careful to
keep small objects off the floor and to make sure their house is child safe.
Blind parents take a more hands-on approach to parenting.  They sit right up
by or in the tub when their toddler is taking a bath.  They stay close to
their children when they are playing outdoors.  Just like good sighted
parents, good blind parents pay attention to what their child is doing.

Blind parents may teach their older children to respond or come immediately
when called, which helps the blind parent to know the whereabouts of their
child.


Q:  How do blind parents know when their children are sick or if they have
hurt them selves?

A:  Most illnesses can be detected non-visually.  A fever, a runny nose, a
cough, even a rash can be detected using the sense of touch and hearing.  As
well, parents know their children, and one does not need sight to determine
when ones child's behaviour changes.  Good blind parents pay attention to
their children and know when accidents occur.  Blind parents are just as
capable of putting a band aid on a scraped knee, calling 911 or kissing an
"owie".


Q:  How does a blind parent take their child places?  How do they get
around?

A:  The method of getting around varies according to the person.  Some blind
parents walk most places.  They may use a stroller with a reversible handle,
which they pull;  this allows the parent to use a white cane or a guide dog.
They may carry their babies and small children in a baby back pack, sling or
snugly, which also keeps the parent's hands free to use a white cane or
guide dog.  Blind parents also take public transit and taxis with their
children.


Q:  Do children of blind parents take care of their parents and help them do
things?

A: The child of a blind parent is the child and the blind parent Is the
parent.  The child does not help the blind parent any more or less than the
child of a sighted parent.

Besides, how many "helpful" toddlers do you know?  The toddler of a blind
parent is just as "helpful" as the toddler of a sighted parent.  They get
into things, eat the food out of the cat bowl and unravel the toilet paper
roll, just as much as any other  young child, and the blind parent handles
these situations like any responsible adult would.


Q:  How do blind parents read to their children?

A:  There are books with print and Braille on them.  The sighted child can
look at the pictures and see the print and the blind parent can read the
story in Braille. Blind parents also play stories on CD and best of all make
up their own stories to tell their children.


Q:  How do blind parents feed their children?

A:  Blind people cook and prepare food just like sighted people do, perhaps
with a few alternative techniques, such as hearing the sound of water
boiling rather than seeing it, and feeling the edge of a carrot with one
hand while cutting with the other.




When feeding a baby, blind parents use one hand to find the baby's mouth and
the other to hold the spoon and feed the baby.



Q:  How do blind parents help their  children with homework?

A:  Blind parents may ask the child's teacher to send them the homework
assignments by email.  Then the parent can listen to the assignment with a
talking computer or read it with a Braille display.  Sometimes parents ask
their children to read the question or math problem out loud, and then will
help them verbally.

If a child is learning their letters in print, blind parents might help by
using raised letters to teach their children.


Q:  How do blind parents teach their children about colour and other visual
concepts?

A:  Some blind people have some vision and can see colour.  Others no on an
intellectual level what colours are and know the colours of common things ,
like "the sky is blue" and "the sun is yellow."  Blind parents may also put
Brail colour labels on things like puzzle pieces, blocks or crayons.  They
may also memorize or label things like family photographs and paintings.


Q:  Do blind parents need help taking care of their children?

A:  Blind parents do not require extra help to look after their children
because of blindness.  Good blind parents are skilled, competent,
responsible adults who are capable of caring for their children.  Of course
blind parents, like sighted parents, appreciate a good support network  and
benefit from the support of family and community.


Q:  Do most blind parents have sighted spouses?

A:  There are no exact numbers on how many blind parents have sighted
spouses.  However, many blind parents are both blind and raise their
children independently and successfully. If a blind parent has a sighted
spouse, the blind parent is still an equally-contributing parent and takes
responsibility for the care of the child.  The blind parent does not require
supervision.  He or she is capable and independent and not reliant on his or
her sighted partner.  As well, there are many blind parents who are single
and raise children entirely on their own.


Q:  Do blind parents have children even if their eye condition is genetic
and could be passed on to their children?

A:  The decision whether or not to have children depends on the individual
blind parent.  Just as some sighted people decide not to have children, some
blind people may make this same decision.  While some blind people may not
want to risk passing on their eye condition to their children, others feel
that being blind is not a tragedy, and with the proper attitude and skills,
is not a big deal.  They also may feel who better to care for a blind child
than a competent and productive blind parent


Q:  Don't you wish you could see your child?

Generally blind people  are content with their lives.  They are used to
being blind and enjoy life just like other people.  Blind parents enjoy
their children in countless ways.  They hear their children laugh,
participate fully in their children's lives, and of course the most
important experience of love requires no vision - a big, warm hug.



As blind parents and blind people, "We are not special, we are not
amazing, we are doing just what you do out there, we just do some things in
a different way, but the end results are the same. . It is common sense, and
knowing what tools and techniques
to use, and being trained to use them.  It is loving your children and
caring for them."
Debbie Bacon, from the National Federation of the Blind blind parent list.



Bulletin
Throughout North America, uninformed social workers and other officials are
taking the children of blind parents away or threatening to do so, simply
because the parents are blind.
Of course no child should live in a home that is unsafe, or where the
parents are incompetent.  However, It is vital for people to understand that
lack of eye sight does not determine the ability to parent.  Not all blind
people make good parents, just as not all sighted people make good parents,
but sight should not be the determining factor.



Tip for the Sighted Public
The best way to help blind parents is to educate others about the abilities
of blind people.  Let go old attitudes, stereotypes and pity and help change
what it means to be blind.



Excerpts from pieces written by blind parents.


>From "Can Girls With Impaired Vision Be Mommies?"
by Deborah Kendrick

"The first time anyone ever raised the question of whether I, who had been
blind since age five, could have and raise children, was when I was 26. I
had three advanced degrees, three years of teaching to my credit, and had
lived on my own (first single, then married) since age 21. Now, here I sat
in the hospital with a pink-blanketed bundle in my arms, awestruck,
wondering what I would do next.

I wanted some hands-on instruction in diapering. I told a nurse who was
going off duty, and when her replacement came in, the experience was brutal.
She pushed my hands away gruffly and impatiently, saying she could do it
better. I felt inadequate and embarrassed. This episode shook my confidence
in my ability to cope with the incredible responsibility of being a mother.

Of course, within hours, I learned that the nurse's ignorance about
blindness was the problem, not my ability to fasten a baby's diaper! I would
also learn that the attitudes of others would continue to be the most
significant problem unique to parents with impaired vision."



>From "LOVING ELIZABETH" by Nadine Jacobson as told to Bill Holton -
reprinted in the Braille Monitor.

"Nadine and Steve Jacobson are leaders in the National Federation of the
Blind of Minnesota. They are not the first nor, regrettably, will they be
the last couple to have difficulty adopting a child simply because they
happen to be blind."

"My husband Steve and I were so excited. There was a newborn boy in
Arkansas, and after years of hoping and trying, it looked as if we were
finally going to become parents. The private adoption seemed so certain, we
started buying baby clothes and furniture for the nursery. But then,
abruptly, the lawyer who was handling the adoption stopped taking our calls.
"I'm sorry," he said when I finally got through to him, "but we changed our
minds and decided to give the baby to another family." He explained that it
wasn't because there was a problem with our home study or that Steve and I
couldn't support a child financially. The lawyer made it perfectly clear
there was only one reason we weren't getting that baby boy-because Steve and
I are both blind."



The Play Date
by Mary Ellen Gabias
Reprinted in the 2005 edition of the Blind Canadian.

    I choked back the tears as I hung up the phone. It had started as a
    routine call to arrange a play date for my son Jeffrey. He was four at
    the time and attended preschool. His older sister Joanne had been at
    the school for three years and had moved on to first grade. I'd
    arranged dozens of play dates for the two of them by then, so I was
    completely unprepared for the embarrassed silence on the other end of
    the line. Sue (not her real name) hesitated for a long moment and then
    said, "Well, I don't know how to say this, but -- "

    I let the silence hang for what seemed like hours (though it was
    probably only seconds) while I collected my thoughts. Then, as gently
    and calmly as I could, I asked, "Are you uneasy about letting your
    boys come here to play because both my husband and I are blind?"

    "Well," Sue replied, "I'm sure you manage very well, but I don't know
    how, and I refuse to take any chances with my children's safety."

    "First of all, Sue, I want you to know how glad I am that you're a
    mother who takes the responsibility of keeping children safe
    seriously. Knowing that makes me more comfortable in letting Jeffrey
    visit your home. I'm the same way. I won't let being politically
    correct interfere with that responsibility. So we're starting from the
    same values. But we're not starting from the same level of
    information. Is this the first time you've known a blind mother?"

    "Yes. I don't understand how you can look after a child when you can't
    see. I'm constantly looking to see what mine is doing."

    "As they say in those bad old movies, We have our ways.' Seriously,
    though, I'd be glad to answer any specific questions."

"I let her know that I
    couldn't guarantee that her children wouldn't fall off the swing and
    break a leg, but I could guarantee that nothing would happen to them
    that could be prevented by good adult supervision."

"   In the National Federation of the Blind we know that the public has good
will, but not always good information, about blindness. It was
    through my participation in the Federation that I learned to respect
    the sincerity of the questions Sue asked, deal with them candidly, and
    not be discouraged or diminished by her lack of knowledge."



Elizabeth Lalonde

My son Rhys was born three months early at 1 LB 14 Ounces.  The experience
was terrifying for both myself and my husband.  For the four months my son
was in the hospital, we visited him twice a day.  I listened to the alarms
that indicated his level of oxygen, touched his tiny body through the whole
in the incubator and held him kangaroo style when he was well enough to have
physical contact.  Through all this, I was a loving, scared, and patient
mother doing the best I could to make it through a challenging time.  The
fact that I was blind was irrelevant.

Just like other parents of preemies, I learned to change my son's diapers in
the incubator amidst tubes and wires.  I washed my hands to keep the germs
away, and I pumped my breast milk for Rhys to have when he was able.

So I was unprepared when three moths into Rhys's stay at the hospital, for
the comment of one of the new nurses.
"Do you have enough sight to take care of Rhys when you get home?"

I was speechless.  It was late in the evening.  I had been at the nursery
for several hours and was tired.  I had spent three months being there for
my son and managing in a trying situation, and the thought of going home
seemed like an impossible dream.  Yet this woman was questioning my
abilities as a mother.

My first reaction was anger.  But I knew this wouldn't help.  The nurse
meant well and she just didn't know how blind people take care of babies.
I took a deep breath, and explained that level of competence, not level of
vision determines good parenting.  I talked about blindness skills and
alternative techniques and told her of my capabilities. From then on, she
and I grew close.  We'd banished the white elephant in the room by dealing
with the subject directly. .  The experience that could have turned negative
became positive, and if that nurse ever meets another blind parent, she will
have the information and understanding  she gained from knowing me.



Through The Eyes of Pity
By Mary Ellen Gabias - from Volume one of "The Blind Canadian."


"It was one of those days that lives in a mother's heart forever.  The late
August sun felt warm on my shoulders, and a soft breeze ruffled my hair. But
it was my six-year-old son Jeffery, not the weather that made the day so
memorable.

I am the mother of four.  With all the activities in our home, it is often
difficult to arrange special time alone with one child.

Jeffery and I went to do errands.

As my son and I waited for busses and walked from one place to the next, we
talked.  Before we knew it, the errands were finished, and we were both
Hungry.  We took the bus to the mall and wound our way through the labyrinth
of corridors to the food court.  Jeffery was nervous, afraid we'd get lost.
But I reassured him as I lead the way.

I stopped to buy Jeffery some chicken strips and went to another place for
my salad and fish.  Occasionally we asked customers to help us with
directions.  They were always willing to assist, and everything went
smoothly.

Jeffery searched for a table while I waited for my food.  I thought about
how grateful I was for such a perfect afternoon.  In that moment, I knew I
wouldn't trade places with anyone.  The proprietor at the food stand handed
me my tray, and I turned to walk to our table.  Behind me I heard the voice
of another customer speaking to the man who had just waited on me.

"Just look at that poor blind woman.  Seeing someone like her makes you
realize how lucky you are to have your sight."

I was stunned.  There I was, going about my business with competence and
joy, and this man saw me as an object of pity.  Worse, he felt no hesitation
in speaking his mind in front of my child.  Didn't he realize his comments
could undermine Jeffrey's attitude towards me.
The more I thought about what the man had said, the more my mood changed.
My exhilaration turned to exasperation.

Then I thought again.  Fortunately, Jeffery hadn't heard what was said, but
even if he had, there was no chance that the offhand remark of a stranger
would carry more weight with my son than the years I had spent breast
feeding him, kissing his bruises and scrapes and nagging him to clean his
room.  Yes negative public attitudes about blindness do terrible harm, but
positive blind people working through the National Federation of the Blind
and the Canadian Federation of the Blind are counteracting those negative
attitudes.

That man was looking at me through the eyes of pity, but more and more
people are taking anew look at blindness and respecting what they see.  It
was easy for me to realize what that man's attitudes cost me, but I started
to think with sadness what those attitudes cost him.  Because he was looking
through the eyes of pity, he saw what he thought were problems, but didn't
notice I had found solutions.  Because he was looking through the eyes of
pity, he couldn't approach me as an equal, and he lost the chance for the
give and take of equals.  Most of all, because he was looking through the
eyes of pity, he missed the simple pleasure of watching a mother and child
enjoying each other's company.  Yes, that man lost a lot because he looked
at me through the eyes of pity.  None of us can choose how well our eyes
see, but we can choose how well we see the world."

For more information about blind parents or the Canadian Federation of the
Blind, please contact us at

Canadian Federation of the Blind
P.O. Box 8007
Victoria, British Columbia
Canada  V8W 3R7
Phone  (250) 598-7154
1-800-619-8789
info at cfb.ca
www.CFB.ca