[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
dmgina
dmgina at qwest.net
Wed Aug 15 20:54:31 CDT 2007
With all of the players that need to be licensed it confuses me what will
work and what won't work.
then I don't understand terms.
So I just get out of it.
--Dar
www.mypowermall.com/biz/home/5779
Every Saint has a past
Every Sinner has a future
----- Original Message -----
From: "Laura Eaves" <leaves1 at carolina.rr.com>
To: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2007 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
> Hi -- I have thought of working from home of course, but have not set up
> anything so far -- I want to take some classes to brush up on newer
> technologies and things--I want to be able to use all the skills I gained
> in
> my majors in school -- math/computer science. I also want to take some
> additional classes, which I have started doing. In short, I'm
> discombuberated by all the possibilities and it's amazing how much there
> is
> to do in the comfort of your own home -- but you know, I miss the contact
> with human beings.
> I am working on some goals and perhaps sometime soon you will see my
> presence on the net doing something in some techy or educational or other
> capacity.
> Thanks for the thoughts.
> --le
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "kaye zimpher" <kayezimpher at bellsouth.net>
> To: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2007 5:58 PM
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>
> There is so much that a disabled person can do that they do not even
> realize. I hate to see anyone resort to assisted living unless they have
> problems that go way beond the scope of blindness or being in a chair. I
> have seen folks at convention that zoom about blind and in a chair and
> while
> I am sure they have challenges they are out there. I know that family
> means
> well, but at times they can be quite stiffling. I remember my mother
> saying
> over and over to me "why don't you come up and visit anymore?" I have
> several reasons but the main one is that when I am around family I am not
> treated like a 37 year old successful and productive member os society. I
> decided sometimes in my late 20s to begin taking all of the negative
> people
> out of my life and unfortunately my family had to be a part of that.
> Anyways
> I say all that to let you know that you can work and you can live on your
> own. If you are interested in owrking from home try www.workingsol.com I
> believe I posted that here before but here it is again.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Powers, Terry (NIH/OD/DEAS) [E]" <powerst at dcpcepn.nci.nih.gov>
> To: "Laura Eaves" <leaves1 at carolina.rr.com>; "NFB Talk Mailing List"
> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2007 8:07 AM
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>
>> Hi Laura;
>> Since you are able to do e-mail, have you ever thought of looking for a
>> job you could do from your home. You could do phone work, transcribing,
>> servays... There is a need for people like you. It depends on what
>> your complications are, but just because you are blind and in a wheel
>> chair, does not mean you nead to be confined to your home. If you can
>> answer a phone and use a computer, you can do some of the items I do.
>> My epelepsi limits me some but in return I Xerox, escort, deliver, fax,
>> recycle, shred and more. You might have a lot better computer skills to
>> replace my ability to do tasks that take a lot of motion. I also have
>> muscular problems and a mild hearing problem. I use an amplifier on my
>> phone and a headset to connect my computer and phone. It has a mouth
>> piece so I can answer the phone and still type on the computer.
>> I started out working for the summer and volunteering in the winter to
>> get my job. Sometimes we just have to prove to the world that we want
>> to work, handicapped or not.
>> I wish you great success in your living situation and success in finding
>> a job that you can handle.
>> powerst at mail.nih.gov
>>
>> Terry Powers
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Laura Eaves [mailto:leaves1 at carolina.rr.com]
>> Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 3:15 PM
>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Hi Mike -- thanks for the offer -- you know, as a physically challenged
>> person, I still do run into the same attitudes I have run into all my
>> life -- but you know, I think one's own attitude is the most important.
>> As
>> with anything in life, if you let yourself get uncentered or unglued so
>> that
>> you start making mistakes because of it, you are indeed in sorry shape.
>> And
>> because I said "you" doesn't mean that excludes "me". For example,
>> growing
>> up I had a hard time accepting some of the realities of life, even
>> though I
>> steeled myself to go through school and work and all and found myself
>> reacting to others' opinions of me -- but when I stepped back to look in
>> the
>> mirror (figuratively I mean) what I saw were some attitudes of my own
>> that I
>> was reacting to. In short, what we react against in others is
>> somethings a
>> little part of our own makeup we are reacting to. I thought I had a
>> handle
>> on my disability becauase I went ahead and did things, and this got me
>> through school and working, which was a good thing, but I can't help but
>>
>> wonder how much easier it would have been not to be so reactive in my
>> emotions to what other people were saying and doing.
>> Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm at a point in my life now where I'm
>> being
>> faced by possible "custodial" care, which being an nfb-er I am opposed
>> to --
>> and I am tired of battling but sometimes battling wise and battling
>> smart
>> can get you further than the brute force, do or die approach.
>> I am not a young person (on the outside) and have a few more fears now
>> that
>> come with age, and am blessed to have supports available as a safety
>> net,
>> but I really don't want the hospital if I can avoid it. I am not ashamed
>> to
>> say I am on disability right now. I earned the insurance, but a very
>> big
>> part of me feels I am setting a bad precedent for those who come after
>> me
>> who might have the same challenges. Everyone is different though in the
>>
>> challenges they face, and I truely believe it is not ours to judge
>> people
>> for being in assisted living -- but i still miss working in many
>> respects
>> (not the stupid office politics of course, but the feeling of having a
>> place
>> to go where I can contribute.
>> Anyway, sorry for the avalanche of personal feelings. I just am trying
>> to
>> connect to anyone who can relate and perhaps get some feedback that
>> would
>> help me as I hope my comments might occasionally help someone else.
>>
>> Cheers and good luck to everyone.
>> --le
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: "'Laura Eaves'" <leaves1 at carolina.rr.com>; "'NFB Talk Mailing List'"
>>
>> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 10:36 AM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> Hi laura:
>> It's great to hear from you. I've gotten a sense from time to time that
>> you're involved in your own set of challenges that leave you frustrated
>> by
>> the attitudes of others. If you ever wish to share, please don't
>> hesitate
>> to email or call.
>> 410-323-4884
>> Mike
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> On
>> Behalf Of Laura Eaves
>> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 3:15 PM
>> To: NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Hey Mike, I have been silent on this issue so far as marriage and
>> therefore
>> divorce has been out of the realm of my experience and therefore I have
>> felt
>> ill equipped to give counsel, but I join in everyone else's applause and
>> encouragement at the centered approach you are taking and wish you and
>> your
>> daughter--and also her mother as she is in the mix -- a positive
>> outcome.
>> Whatever happens it sounds as if your heart is right and therefore your
>> pursuit of your rights can only be good for all concerned -- but i do
>> hope
>> that the ultimate result is to get the custody you desire and that
>> people
>> can live together amicably.
>> I am fighting my own internal and external battle right now that I may
>> post
>> on later--it of course does not involve a spouse or children, but my own
>> living situation. I am therefore encouraged by reading your (Mike's)
>> attitude and hope to keep that centered approach myself as I proceed.
>> You are right that family can be both your best friends and your worst
>> obstacle to independence. I am wheelchair bound in addition to being
>> blind
>> and therefore have an added challenge, but hopefully I can solve this
>> problem in the best way possible.
>> Anyway, good luck and I hope to hear some good news for you and your
>> situation!
>> --le
>>
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Alan Wheeler" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
>> To: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 8:45 AM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> I agree, this is an awesome message, Mike.
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Cindy Handel" <cindy425 at verizon.net>
>> To: <mabullis at hotmail.com>; "NFB Talk Mailing List"
>> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 5:52 AM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>>> Mike,
>>>
>>> Congratulations! This is a great message. I know it will still be
>>> difficult, but you really do have a purpose, now. You've found
>> yourself
>>> again and I'm glad you're going to let the court and your wife know
>> just
>>> who
>>> you are...your daughter's father, who has as much right to spend time
>> with
>>> her and raise her as her mother does. I hope things go well for you.
>>>
>>> Cindy
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>>> To: <william.ritchhart at sbcglobal.net>; "'NFB Talk Mailing List'"
>>> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Thursday, August 09, 2007 9:51 PM
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> I've spent a lot of time with this subject in the past week, sort of
>>> having
>>> my own personal epiphany in the process. Each of you, in your own way
>> has
>>> given me a different perspective which I had to mold into who I am. I
>>> knew
>>> that much of the situation was in my power to change but I had to
>> figure
>>> out
>>> how to do it from my center, not from a weak or wobbly foundation.
>>>
>>> Virtually every day, we as people who are blind must quietly smile or
>>> cringe
>>> at the misunderstandings of others. If we are to angry we alienate
>> them.
>>> If we to quickly give in, we perpetuate the very misunderstandings
>> we're
>>> trying to change. It's a long and often tortuous walk we take,
>> balancing
>>> how much others misunderstand with our desire to live normal
>>> lives--compromising here and there and not in other places. In the
>>> process
>>> of recognizing the ignorance of others we also must each recognize how
>>> much
>>> we ourselves still have to learn. As it stands, in the first part of
>> the
>>> 21st century, we still are daily amazed by the accomplishments of
>> people
>>> who
>>> are blind, often saying to ourselves, "I would have never tried that."
>> At
>>> the same time we are amazed, we are equally appalled by how often
>>> blindness
>>> becomes a personal tragedy for others and how they allow it to become
>>> their
>>> own self created hell. Both of those blind people--the hero and the
>>> victim
>>> live within each of us more than we would probably like or wish to
>> admit.
>>>
>>> In this loss of a marriage, I have tried to balance misunderstanding
>> with
>>> humility, always trying to educate and at the same time trying to be
>> who I
>>> am and to push against that same misunderstanding.
>>>
>>> I began to realize how far I had gotten out of balance when I said to
>> a
>>> friend recently that even if I won the court fight I would feel as
>> though
>>> I
>>> had lost. Why? Because, in the process of compromising--allowing
>> home
>>> inspections, agreeing to supervised visits, agreeing to not take my
>> child
>>> outside the house without permission, I had given up some central part
>> of
>>> me. It has come to me over the last days that in this case at least,
>> I
>>> have
>>> compromised what I can, to no effect and must now begin to take back
>> my
>>> personal dignity, not in an angry way, but rather in a calm and
>> forthright
>>> manner.
>>>
>>> Since there is no rationality to any of the compromises, I have
>> decided to
>>> quietly but respectfully decline them all. I will go to court and
>> present
>>> exactly the same visitation and custody terms as they would get from
>> any
>>> other normal parent. If my wife or the court want to argue the matter
>> I
>>> am
>>> prepared to have people come and talk about the competencies of people
>> who
>>> are blind and, my own competencies where necessary. I will no longer
>>> shuffle and grovel, hoping to please. If, in the end, I lose I will
>> do it
>>> as a man. If I win, I will do it as one who has respect for all those
>> who
>>> got me here.
>>>
>>> Perhaps the time has come to simply say no and mean it. Obviously, I
>> will
>>> follow the courts dictates, but I won't help them make any such
>> dictates
>>> if
>>> they mean treating me less than a fully competent parent. I feel
>>> strangely
>>> at peace with this decision and, although I know there are those who
>> will
>>> say that they might take another approach, I must do what gives me
>> peace
>>> and
>>> dignity.
>>>
>>> Thanks to all of you for your help. You have given me what I needed
>> in
>>> order to move forward, comfort, encouragement and a much-needed heart
>> to
>>> heart conversation with myself about what lives at the center of my
>> being.
>>> I said in the beginning that this was about my daughter Julianna and I
>>> believe she will respect and love her father one day for being his own
>>> person and speaking with dignity and clarity. What I have confused
>> along
>>> the way is the difference between visitation by my daughter with her
>>> father,
>>> and visitation by my daughter with half a man. I choose to be a whole
>>> man.
>>>
>>> Dr. Maurer and I spoke this afternoon and he says the NFB will help in
>> any
>>> way it can. Even if we had won the case before we would have really
>> won
>>> nothing accept the half victories we must often live with. Now, I
>> think
>>> we
>>> can win a real victory that advances who blind people are. And even
>>> though
>>> we may not win, at least we'll be fighting for what we want, instead
>> of
>>> what
>>> we can live with.
>>>
>>> Thanks for everything folks. It's been a long and very difficult soul
>>> searching process for me. In some ways I'm glad the other side didn't
>>> settle prior to now, because I would have had a solution without my
>> soul
>>> in
>>> it. I will now take charge of my/our Attorneys in a much different
>> way.
>>> This case is about whether a blind man can be a co-equal parent in his
>>> child's life. That is the rock on which I now stand and from which I
>> will
>>> only be removed by force.
>>> Mike Bullis
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> On
>>> Behalf Of Wm. Ritchhart
>>> Sent: Thursday, August 09, 2007 6:30 PM
>>> To: 'NFB Talk Mailing List'
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>> Exactly correct! Mike needs a lawyer. From the original post, the
>> bulk
>>> of
>>> the problem is blindness. There are other issues. But those can be
>> dealt
>>> with.
>>>
>>> Mike, you need to fight. Your daughter is unable to speak. You need
>> to
>>> do
>>> whatever you can to stay in her life.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> William
>>>
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>> On Behalf Of Mike Freeman
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 11:40 PM
>>> To: NFB Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>> Cindy:
>>>
>>> With great respect, I disagree with you. Going to the press would be
>> the
>>>
>>> *last* thing Mike should do. It would only cause her lawyer to pull
>>> something worse.
>>>
>>> Divorces are almost always messy and, frankly, the process is often
>>> irrational at best. Sadly, justice is not always the outcome.
>>>
>>> Mike
>>>
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: Cindy Handel
>>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com ; NFB Talk Mailing List
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 1:51 PM
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> Mike,
>>>
>>> It's very sad when things like this have to go to the press. But, I
>>> think
>>> you're right, in your case. She isn't being reasonable and, despite
>>> your
>>> willingness to try to work with her, she's determined not to allow
>> you
>>>
>>> the
>>> access, you deserve, to your daughter. You're right...mothers have
>>> the
>>> advantage when it comes to children. It shouldn't be that way. The
>>> father
>>> is expected to be there, financially, but beyond that, it doesn't
>> seem
>>>
>>> to
>>> matter, and that's just wrong. Your daughter needs you in her life,
>>> and I
>>> think you should take every opportunity to be there. If that means
>>> going
>>> public, I think you should do that. I'm truly sorry your wife has
>>> such a
>>> mindset against blindness that she was unwilling to learn from you,
>>> during
>>> the time you were together. She has her parents supporting her wrong
>>> thinking, so something has to be done to break through, even if it
>>> means you
>>> need to be as nasty as she's been.
>>>
>>> I'm not a parent, but as someone else said, it hurt to read your
>>> original
>>> message. I hope things begin to go your way.
>>>
>>> Cindy
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:09 PM
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> Thanks Ray. I'll hang in there. You're certainly right when you say
>>> that
>>> my self image is suffering. Somehow I have to move this into a forum
>>> in
>>> which the truth will be told. That probably means the press at this
>>> point
>>> because money for lawyers isn't there. Thanks for your
>> encouragement.
>>> Mike
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
>> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>>
>>> On
>>> Behalf Of Ray Foret Jr
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:53 AM
>>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>> mike, quite frankly, it hurt to read your original message. But you
>>> see,
>>> your pain is our pain also. What effects one of us effects us all.
>>> Your
>>> situation is; in my humble opinion, well worth our resources. I fear
>>> your
>>> adversary has perhaps subconsciously been so attacking you as a blind
>>> person
>>> so hard that in the deepest recesses of your academic mind, she's got
>>> you
>>> questioning your self worth. I suspect, though, that in the deepest
>>> part of
>>> your soul and spirit, you know better. Time for you to come down off
>>> the
>>> fence and solidly defend yourself. Yes, that means using ALL of the
>>> resources at your disposal. Yes, technically, the NFB deals
>> primarily
>>>
>>> with
>>> blindness issues; and, as cindy said, "It does seem, however, that
>>> this is
>>> largely due to your blindness. Your X-wife has a basic distrust of
>>> blindness". The long and the short of it seems to be that your x
>> wife
>>> doesn't think you can do anything because you're blind. In the
>>> federation,
>>> we care about the whole person, not just the not just whether the
>>> person is
>>> blind or not; at least, that's how I've always felt about us. When
>>> ever one
>>> of us feels pain, we all feel it. All too often, it's our very own
>>> families
>>> which are the cause of this pain. You did right coming to us with
>>> your
>>> burden. We'll help you bare it as much as possible. Hang in there.
>>> Don't
>>> give up!!!
>>>
>>> Sincerely yours,
>>> The Constantly Barefooted,
>>> Ray
>>> Home phone and fax:
>>> (985)853-0139
>>> E-mail:
>>> rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
>>> Skype Name:
>>> barefootedray
>>> Blog:
>>> www.raysworld.blogs.com
>>> Podcast .rss Feed:
>>> http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
>>>
>>> God bless President George W. Bush!
>>> God bless our troops!
>>> and God bless America
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:20 AM
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> Hi Cindy:
>>> I really don't disagree with Sherri at all. I just see both points
>> of
>>>
>>> view.
>>> That's always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. In
>>> this case
>>> I lack enough objectivity to decisively say how it should all be
>> done.
>>>
>>> I'm
>>> also hesitant to think that my particular problem is worth the
>>> resources of
>>> others, particularly when I created that problem. Thanks again for
>>> your
>>> encouragement and help. Perhaps out of all of this will come some
>>> good.
>>> Mike
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
>> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>>
>>> On
>>> Behalf Of Cindy Handel
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
>>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>> Mike,
>>>
>>> I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree
>>> with
>>> her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things,
>>> other
>>> than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the
>>> best.
>>> It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness.
>>> Your
>>> X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to
>> believe
>>>
>>> that
>>> you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers,
>>> which
>>> really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to
>> change
>>>
>>> her
>>> view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize
>>> that the
>>> NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help.
>>> The
>>> custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really
>>> very
>>> sorry for you.
>>>
>>> Cindy
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> Hi Sherri:
>>> Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At
>>> times
>>> like this it means a lot to me.
>>>
>>> Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult
>>> though. As
>>> I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness
>>> related
>>> costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce
>>> with an
>>> aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply
>>> related to
>>> virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made
>> the
>>>
>>> other
>>> party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for
>>> both
>>> sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything.
>> There
>>>
>>> are
>>> standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
>>> questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
>>>
>>> My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in
>>> order to
>>> understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand
>> pages
>>>
>>> of
>>> so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I
>> know,
>>>
>>> it
>>> still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the
>>> entire
>>> seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance
>>> to the
>>> divorce. That costs tons of money.
>>>
>>> I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless
>> tactics.
>>>
>>> As I
>>> also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're
>>> taken out
>>> of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as
>> the
>>> accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal
>>> fees
>>> has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abouts.
>>> Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply
>>> can't
>>> afford.
>>>
>>> In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's
>>> members
>>> used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make
>>> tough
>>> decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things
>> in
>>>
>>> life
>>> are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
>>> Mike
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
>> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>>
>>> On
>>> Behalf Of Sherri
>>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
>>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>> Michael,
>>>
>>> Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
>>> blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness,
>>> it
>>> really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your
>>> desire to
>>> get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
>>>
>>> Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his
>>> opinion?
>>> Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about
>> your
>>> situation.
>>>
>>> I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
>>> children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child
>>> was an
>>> infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a
>>> lot of
>>> hoops for it to happen though.
>>>
>>> You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the
>>> mistake, as
>>> I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your
>>> rules. Not
>>> true!
>>>
>>> I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal
>>> with your
>>> problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was
>>> little and
>>> she will always love you no matter what.
>>>
>>>
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
>>> Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>>
>>>
>>> We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their
>>> ability to
>>> care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even
>>> been
>>> some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind
>>> parents in
>>> such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.
>>> What
>>> most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes
>>> in
>>> family court.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go
>>> there are
>>> people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without
>> an
>>> Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set
>> up
>>>
>>> to
>>> help you.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
>>> situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these
>>> lists.
>>>
>>> However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to
>>> others so
>>> will tell my story at some length.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my
>>> wife
>>> and I, I'll tell it that way.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named
>>> Kristen.
>>> At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge
>> about
>>>
>>> one
>>> another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that
>>> included
>>> unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was
>>> pregnant.
>>> For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time
>>> most
>>> wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if
>> I'd
>>>
>>> be a
>>> good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed
>>> to do,
>>> and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I
>> wasn't
>>>
>>> sure
>>> if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends
>> assured
>>>
>>> me
>>> that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just
>>> didn't
>>> know.
>>>
>>> What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared
>>> for and
>>> that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
>>> Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and
>>> moved
>>> to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July.
>>> I'd like
>>> to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that
>>> time
>>> there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an
>>> hour
>>> long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through
>>> with the
>>> marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible
>>> adults
>>> could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It
>>> was
>>> the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I
>>> threw
>>> myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it
>>> forever.
>>> My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her
>> diapers,
>>>
>>> gave
>>> her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my
>>> heart in
>>> a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it
>>> could
>>> never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness
>> to
>>>
>>> be
>>> just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for
>>> Julianna.
>>> Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact,
>>> at
>>> first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her
>>> as she
>>> approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the
>>> matter
>>> much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you
>>> have
>>> eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that
>>> my eyes
>>> didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she
>>> didn't
>>> agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I
>>> tucked her
>>> in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
>>> overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife
>> and
>>>
>>> I,
>>> for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same
>>> ways. By
>>> summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in
>>> some
>>> form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I
>> can
>>>
>>> say
>>> about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we
>> both
>>> honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it
>>> didn't.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a
>>> little
>>> past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which
>>> she
>>> asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that
>>> nobody in
>>> the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter
>>> looking
>>> like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and
>>> stay
>>> close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist
>>> strap
>>> which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My
>>> wife
>>> called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna
>> getting
>>>
>>> away
>>> from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I
>>> ever
>>> felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were
>>> in a
>>> large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and
>>> disagreements
>>> about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an
>>> apartment in
>>> Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with
>>> our
>>> daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued
>>> to
>>> attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living
>>> away
>>> from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would
>> be
>>>
>>> home
>>> soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family
>>> home. At
>>> some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to
>>> the
>>> ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was
>>> afraid
>>> of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking
>>> her in
>>> cabs because that too would be dangerous.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had
>>> an
>>> apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She
>>> demurred,
>>> saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable
>>> with
>>> all of it.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna
>>> that we
>>> could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My
>> wife's
>>> response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here:
>>> "What
>>> frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for
>>> and
>>> protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my
>>> trust
>>> (and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna
>>> faces
>>> no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations
>> in
>>>
>>> the
>>> care of someone who cannot see.
>>>
>>> That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to
>>> your
>>>
>>> (considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make
>> up
>>>
>>> for
>>> having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an
>>> object, in
>>> this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your
>>> grasp.
>>> This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions
>>> and/or
>>> unfamiliar territory."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that
>>> if
>>> Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within
>>> the
>>> confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were
>>> to
>>> suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and
>>> angry
>>> at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if
>> she
>>> should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our
>>> own
>>> house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of
>>> you,
>>> or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against
>>> straying (she
>>> can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in
>>> the
>>> street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much
>> less
>>>
>>> your
>>> ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her
>>> from
>>> darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot
>>> continue
>>> to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone
>>> who can
>>> see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue
>>> the
>>> pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
>>> because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I
>>> didn't stop
>>> Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to
>>> ignore
>>> the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.
>>> That
>>> way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become
>>> more
>>> creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was
>>> sighted
>>> or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets
>>> up a
>>> very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
>>> maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in
>>> order
>>> that she not be in danger.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were
>>> fighting
>>> about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and
>>> their
>>> concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out
>>> that
>>> thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children
>>> and so
>>> far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for
>>> any
>>> other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with
>>> young
>>> children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were
>>> blind
>>> kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became
>> troublingly
>>>
>>> and
>>> dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still
>>> able
>>> to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't
>>> come to
>>> my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or
>>> feed
>>> her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our
>> separation
>>>
>>> and
>>> still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my
>>> daughter.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and
>>> physical
>>> custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's
>>> messy! The
>>> grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk
>>> taking,
>>> dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were
>>> said
>>> about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to
>>> not
>>> believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it,
>> although
>>>
>>> it
>>> was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce
>>> game the
>>> one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and
>>> realize
>>> that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were
>>> doing
>>> irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and
>>> respond. I
>>> knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to
>>> continue a
>>> long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on
>> but
>>>
>>> that
>>> was pretty much it.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
>>> "Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer,
>>> "yes,"
>>>
>>> and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done
>>> that her
>>> daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and
>>> that he
>>> did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking
>>> the
>>> law.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on
>> the
>>> "facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations
>>> were
>>> in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family
>>> home
>>> because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my
>>> home and
>>> be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's
>>> what I
>>> felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have
>>> private
>>> communications or interactions with his daughter.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called
>> to
>>>
>>> begin
>>> negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits
>>> within
>>> four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics,
>>> not
>>> realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I
>>> had
>>> people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to
>>> work
>>> with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify
>>> that I
>>> was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to
>>> court on
>>> the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in
>> from
>>> Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
>>> parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's
>> lawyer
>>> didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly
>>> negotiated an
>>> agreement.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I
>> would
>>>
>>> allow
>>> Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things
>>> that
>>> were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody
>>> wanted to
>>> give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly
>>> said
>>> "recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my
>>> wife's
>>> lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement.
>>> My
>>> wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my
>>> house
>>> and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to
>>> take
>>> place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600
>>> trying
>>> to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way
>> courts
>>>
>>> work,
>>> I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to
>>> declare
>>> her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore.
>>> In
>>> fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford
>>> one.
>>> Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon
>> how
>>>
>>> my
>>> creditors choose to pursue payments.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per
>>> week
>>> of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my
>>> home,
>>> but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna
>>> now
>>> believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk
>>> to
>>> figure out that daddy is dangerous.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man
>>> who is
>>> being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about
>>> blindness.
>>> In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends
>>> upon
>>> money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
>>> organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather
>>> than the
>>> child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help.
>>> Moving
>>> the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is
>>> for
>>> poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
>>> resources simply aren't adequate.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims
>>> and
>>> often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes
>>> up. I
>>> find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life
>>> go by,
>>> always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next
>>> meeting or
>>> in the next court action.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
>>> blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other
>>> things.
>>>
>>> I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I
>>> gave her
>>> the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her
>>> if she
>>> saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify
>> on
>>>
>>> my
>>> behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
>>> marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce
>>> cases is
>>> pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it.
>>> I
>>> mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of
>>> helping with
>>> blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of
>> the
>>>
>>> case
>>> is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it
>> will
>>>
>>> be of
>>> little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever
>>> opponents can
>>> mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes
>>> very
>>> expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer
>>> who
>>> makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially
>>> wins.
>>>
>>> Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases
>>> come to
>>> trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it
>>> comes to
>>> divorces.
>>>
>>> What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts
>>> will
>>> appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but
>>> you
>>> have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to
>>> appoint
>>> an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work
>>> for no
>>> pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody
>>> needs
>>> to defend her right to see her daddy.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could
>>> present
>>> witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I
>> don't
>>> believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things
>>> up. In
>>> her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though
>>> is that
>>> the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that
>>> the
>>> standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they
>>> sort it
>>> out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy,
>>> in his
>>> home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.
>>> She
>>> needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight.
>> I
>>>
>>> also
>>> believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent
>>> to
>>> which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a
>> child
>>>
>>> is
>>> involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.
>>> Lawyers
>>> ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they
>> resolve
>>>
>>> cases
>>> rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases
>>> going to
>>> trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most
>>> importantly,
>>> lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should
>>> be held
>>> to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
>>> demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger
>> to
>>>
>>> their
>>> clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good
>>> judgment.
>>> Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
>>> withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with
>>> actual
>>> evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental
>> rights.
>>>
>>> In
>>> other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it
>> comes
>>>
>>> to
>>> children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption
>> that
>>> mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me
>>> from the
>>> beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty
>>> percent
>>> custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where
>>> she
>>> should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be
>>> dragged
>>> into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think
>>> that's true
>>> far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many
>> father's
>>>
>>> who
>>> simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given
>>> the
>>> rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a
>>> dad who
>>> continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to
>>> late.
>>>
>>> Sincerely,
>>>
>>> Michael Bullis
>>>
>>> Work phone: 410-737-2604
>>>
>>> Cell: 443-992-1537
>>>
>>> Evening phone: 410-323-4884
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> ----
>>> ----
>>>
>>>
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