[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
kaye zimpher
kayezimpher at bellsouth.net
Wed Aug 15 16:58:04 CDT 2007
There is so much that a disabled person can do that they do not even
realize. I hate to see anyone resort to assisted living unless they have
problems that go way beond the scope of blindness or being in a chair. I
have seen folks at convention that zoom about blind and in a chair and while
I am sure they have challenges they are out there. I know that family means
well, but at times they can be quite stiffling. I remember my mother saying
over and over to me "why don't you come up and visit anymore?" I have
several reasons but the main one is that when I am around family I am not
treated like a 37 year old successful and productive member os society. I
decided sometimes in my late 20s to begin taking all of the negative people
out of my life and unfortunately my family had to be a part of that. Anyways
I say all that to let you know that you can work and you can live on your
own. If you are interested in owrking from home try www.workingsol.com I
believe I posted that here before but here it is again.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Powers, Terry (NIH/OD/DEAS) [E]" <powerst at dcpcepn.nci.nih.gov>
To: "Laura Eaves" <leaves1 at carolina.rr.com>; "NFB Talk Mailing List"
<nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2007 8:07 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
> Hi Laura;
> Since you are able to do e-mail, have you ever thought of looking for a
> job you could do from your home. You could do phone work, transcribing,
> servays... There is a need for people like you. It depends on what
> your complications are, but just because you are blind and in a wheel
> chair, does not mean you nead to be confined to your home. If you can
> answer a phone and use a computer, you can do some of the items I do.
> My epelepsi limits me some but in return I Xerox, escort, deliver, fax,
> recycle, shred and more. You might have a lot better computer skills to
> replace my ability to do tasks that take a lot of motion. I also have
> muscular problems and a mild hearing problem. I use an amplifier on my
> phone and a headset to connect my computer and phone. It has a mouth
> piece so I can answer the phone and still type on the computer.
> I started out working for the summer and volunteering in the winter to
> get my job. Sometimes we just have to prove to the world that we want
> to work, handicapped or not.
> I wish you great success in your living situation and success in finding
> a job that you can handle.
> powerst at mail.nih.gov
>
> Terry Powers
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Laura Eaves [mailto:leaves1 at carolina.rr.com]
> Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 3:15 PM
> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
> Hi Mike -- thanks for the offer -- you know, as a physically challenged
> person, I still do run into the same attitudes I have run into all my
> life -- but you know, I think one's own attitude is the most important.
> As
> with anything in life, if you let yourself get uncentered or unglued so
> that
> you start making mistakes because of it, you are indeed in sorry shape.
> And
> because I said "you" doesn't mean that excludes "me". For example,
> growing
> up I had a hard time accepting some of the realities of life, even
> though I
> steeled myself to go through school and work and all and found myself
> reacting to others' opinions of me -- but when I stepped back to look in
> the
> mirror (figuratively I mean) what I saw were some attitudes of my own
> that I
> was reacting to. In short, what we react against in others is
> somethings a
> little part of our own makeup we are reacting to. I thought I had a
> handle
> on my disability becauase I went ahead and did things, and this got me
> through school and working, which was a good thing, but I can't help but
>
> wonder how much easier it would have been not to be so reactive in my
> emotions to what other people were saying and doing.
> Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm at a point in my life now where I'm
> being
> faced by possible "custodial" care, which being an nfb-er I am opposed
> to --
> and I am tired of battling but sometimes battling wise and battling
> smart
> can get you further than the brute force, do or die approach.
> I am not a young person (on the outside) and have a few more fears now
> that
> come with age, and am blessed to have supports available as a safety
> net,
> but I really don't want the hospital if I can avoid it. I am not ashamed
> to
> say I am on disability right now. I earned the insurance, but a very
> big
> part of me feels I am setting a bad precedent for those who come after
> me
> who might have the same challenges. Everyone is different though in the
>
> challenges they face, and I truely believe it is not ours to judge
> people
> for being in assisted living -- but i still miss working in many
> respects
> (not the stupid office politics of course, but the feeling of having a
> place
> to go where I can contribute.
> Anyway, sorry for the avalanche of personal feelings. I just am trying
> to
> connect to anyone who can relate and perhaps get some feedback that
> would
> help me as I hope my comments might occasionally help someone else.
>
> Cheers and good luck to everyone.
> --le
>
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
> To: "'Laura Eaves'" <leaves1 at carolina.rr.com>; "'NFB Talk Mailing List'"
>
> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Sunday, August 12, 2007 10:36 AM
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>
> Hi laura:
> It's great to hear from you. I've gotten a sense from time to time that
> you're involved in your own set of challenges that leave you frustrated
> by
> the attitudes of others. If you ever wish to share, please don't
> hesitate
> to email or call.
> 410-323-4884
> Mike
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On
> Behalf Of Laura Eaves
> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 3:15 PM
> To: NFB Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
> Hey Mike, I have been silent on this issue so far as marriage and
> therefore
> divorce has been out of the realm of my experience and therefore I have
> felt
> ill equipped to give counsel, but I join in everyone else's applause and
> encouragement at the centered approach you are taking and wish you and
> your
> daughter--and also her mother as she is in the mix -- a positive
> outcome.
> Whatever happens it sounds as if your heart is right and therefore your
> pursuit of your rights can only be good for all concerned -- but i do
> hope
> that the ultimate result is to get the custody you desire and that
> people
> can live together amicably.
> I am fighting my own internal and external battle right now that I may
> post
> on later--it of course does not involve a spouse or children, but my own
> living situation. I am therefore encouraged by reading your (Mike's)
> attitude and hope to keep that centered approach myself as I proceed.
> You are right that family can be both your best friends and your worst
> obstacle to independence. I am wheelchair bound in addition to being
> blind
> and therefore have an added challenge, but hopefully I can solve this
> problem in the best way possible.
> Anyway, good luck and I hope to hear some good news for you and your
> situation!
> --le
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Alan Wheeler" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
> To: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 8:45 AM
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>
> I agree, this is an awesome message, Mike.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Cindy Handel" <cindy425 at verizon.net>
> To: <mabullis at hotmail.com>; "NFB Talk Mailing List"
> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Friday, August 10, 2007 5:52 AM
> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>
>> Mike,
>>
>> Congratulations! This is a great message. I know it will still be
>> difficult, but you really do have a purpose, now. You've found
> yourself
>> again and I'm glad you're going to let the court and your wife know
> just
>> who
>> you are...your daughter's father, who has as much right to spend time
> with
>> her and raise her as her mother does. I hope things go well for you.
>>
>> Cindy
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: <william.ritchhart at sbcglobal.net>; "'NFB Talk Mailing List'"
>> <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Thursday, August 09, 2007 9:51 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> I've spent a lot of time with this subject in the past week, sort of
>> having
>> my own personal epiphany in the process. Each of you, in your own way
> has
>> given me a different perspective which I had to mold into who I am. I
>> knew
>> that much of the situation was in my power to change but I had to
> figure
>> out
>> how to do it from my center, not from a weak or wobbly foundation.
>>
>> Virtually every day, we as people who are blind must quietly smile or
>> cringe
>> at the misunderstandings of others. If we are to angry we alienate
> them.
>> If we to quickly give in, we perpetuate the very misunderstandings
> we're
>> trying to change. It's a long and often tortuous walk we take,
> balancing
>> how much others misunderstand with our desire to live normal
>> lives--compromising here and there and not in other places. In the
>> process
>> of recognizing the ignorance of others we also must each recognize how
>> much
>> we ourselves still have to learn. As it stands, in the first part of
> the
>> 21st century, we still are daily amazed by the accomplishments of
> people
>> who
>> are blind, often saying to ourselves, "I would have never tried that."
> At
>> the same time we are amazed, we are equally appalled by how often
>> blindness
>> becomes a personal tragedy for others and how they allow it to become
>> their
>> own self created hell. Both of those blind people--the hero and the
>> victim
>> live within each of us more than we would probably like or wish to
> admit.
>>
>> In this loss of a marriage, I have tried to balance misunderstanding
> with
>> humility, always trying to educate and at the same time trying to be
> who I
>> am and to push against that same misunderstanding.
>>
>> I began to realize how far I had gotten out of balance when I said to
> a
>> friend recently that even if I won the court fight I would feel as
> though
>> I
>> had lost. Why? Because, in the process of compromising--allowing
> home
>> inspections, agreeing to supervised visits, agreeing to not take my
> child
>> outside the house without permission, I had given up some central part
> of
>> me. It has come to me over the last days that in this case at least,
> I
>> have
>> compromised what I can, to no effect and must now begin to take back
> my
>> personal dignity, not in an angry way, but rather in a calm and
> forthright
>> manner.
>>
>> Since there is no rationality to any of the compromises, I have
> decided to
>> quietly but respectfully decline them all. I will go to court and
> present
>> exactly the same visitation and custody terms as they would get from
> any
>> other normal parent. If my wife or the court want to argue the matter
> I
>> am
>> prepared to have people come and talk about the competencies of people
> who
>> are blind and, my own competencies where necessary. I will no longer
>> shuffle and grovel, hoping to please. If, in the end, I lose I will
> do it
>> as a man. If I win, I will do it as one who has respect for all those
> who
>> got me here.
>>
>> Perhaps the time has come to simply say no and mean it. Obviously, I
> will
>> follow the courts dictates, but I won't help them make any such
> dictates
>> if
>> they mean treating me less than a fully competent parent. I feel
>> strangely
>> at peace with this decision and, although I know there are those who
> will
>> say that they might take another approach, I must do what gives me
> peace
>> and
>> dignity.
>>
>> Thanks to all of you for your help. You have given me what I needed
> in
>> order to move forward, comfort, encouragement and a much-needed heart
> to
>> heart conversation with myself about what lives at the center of my
> being.
>> I said in the beginning that this was about my daughter Julianna and I
>> believe she will respect and love her father one day for being his own
>> person and speaking with dignity and clarity. What I have confused
> along
>> the way is the difference between visitation by my daughter with her
>> father,
>> and visitation by my daughter with half a man. I choose to be a whole
>> man.
>>
>> Dr. Maurer and I spoke this afternoon and he says the NFB will help in
> any
>> way it can. Even if we had won the case before we would have really
> won
>> nothing accept the half victories we must often live with. Now, I
> think
>> we
>> can win a real victory that advances who blind people are. And even
>> though
>> we may not win, at least we'll be fighting for what we want, instead
> of
>> what
>> we can live with.
>>
>> Thanks for everything folks. It's been a long and very difficult soul
>> searching process for me. In some ways I'm glad the other side didn't
>> settle prior to now, because I would have had a solution without my
> soul
>> in
>> it. I will now take charge of my/our Attorneys in a much different
> way.
>> This case is about whether a blind man can be a co-equal parent in his
>> child's life. That is the rock on which I now stand and from which I
> will
>> only be removed by force.
>> Mike Bullis
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On
>> Behalf Of Wm. Ritchhart
>> Sent: Thursday, August 09, 2007 6:30 PM
>> To: 'NFB Talk Mailing List'
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Exactly correct! Mike needs a lawyer. From the original post, the
> bulk
>> of
>> the problem is blindness. There are other issues. But those can be
> dealt
>> with.
>>
>> Mike, you need to fight. Your daughter is unable to speak. You need
> to
>> do
>> whatever you can to stay in her life.
>>
>>
>>
>> William
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> On Behalf Of Mike Freeman
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 11:40 PM
>> To: NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Cindy:
>>
>> With great respect, I disagree with you. Going to the press would be
> the
>>
>> *last* thing Mike should do. It would only cause her lawyer to pull
>> something worse.
>>
>> Divorces are almost always messy and, frankly, the process is often
>> irrational at best. Sadly, justice is not always the outcome.
>>
>> Mike
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: Cindy Handel
>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com ; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 1:51 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> Mike,
>>
>> It's very sad when things like this have to go to the press. But, I
>> think
>> you're right, in your case. She isn't being reasonable and, despite
>> your
>> willingness to try to work with her, she's determined not to allow
> you
>>
>> the
>> access, you deserve, to your daughter. You're right...mothers have
>> the
>> advantage when it comes to children. It shouldn't be that way. The
>> father
>> is expected to be there, financially, but beyond that, it doesn't
> seem
>>
>> to
>> matter, and that's just wrong. Your daughter needs you in her life,
>> and I
>> think you should take every opportunity to be there. If that means
>> going
>> public, I think you should do that. I'm truly sorry your wife has
>> such a
>> mindset against blindness that she was unwilling to learn from you,
>> during
>> the time you were together. She has her parents supporting her wrong
>> thinking, so something has to be done to break through, even if it
>> means you
>> need to be as nasty as she's been.
>>
>> I'm not a parent, but as someone else said, it hurt to read your
>> original
>> message. I hope things begin to go your way.
>>
>> Cindy
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:09 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> Thanks Ray. I'll hang in there. You're certainly right when you say
>> that
>> my self image is suffering. Somehow I have to move this into a forum
>> in
>> which the truth will be told. That probably means the press at this
>> point
>> because money for lawyers isn't there. Thanks for your
> encouragement.
>> Mike
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>
>> On
>> Behalf Of Ray Foret Jr
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:53 AM
>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> mike, quite frankly, it hurt to read your original message. But you
>> see,
>> your pain is our pain also. What effects one of us effects us all.
>> Your
>> situation is; in my humble opinion, well worth our resources. I fear
>> your
>> adversary has perhaps subconsciously been so attacking you as a blind
>> person
>> so hard that in the deepest recesses of your academic mind, she's got
>> you
>> questioning your self worth. I suspect, though, that in the deepest
>> part of
>> your soul and spirit, you know better. Time for you to come down off
>> the
>> fence and solidly defend yourself. Yes, that means using ALL of the
>> resources at your disposal. Yes, technically, the NFB deals
> primarily
>>
>> with
>> blindness issues; and, as cindy said, "It does seem, however, that
>> this is
>> largely due to your blindness. Your X-wife has a basic distrust of
>> blindness". The long and the short of it seems to be that your x
> wife
>> doesn't think you can do anything because you're blind. In the
>> federation,
>> we care about the whole person, not just the not just whether the
>> person is
>> blind or not; at least, that's how I've always felt about us. When
>> ever one
>> of us feels pain, we all feel it. All too often, it's our very own
>> families
>> which are the cause of this pain. You did right coming to us with
>> your
>> burden. We'll help you bare it as much as possible. Hang in there.
>> Don't
>> give up!!!
>>
>> Sincerely yours,
>> The Constantly Barefooted,
>> Ray
>> Home phone and fax:
>> (985)853-0139
>> E-mail:
>> rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
>> Skype Name:
>> barefootedray
>> Blog:
>> www.raysworld.blogs.com
>> Podcast .rss Feed:
>> http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
>>
>> God bless President George W. Bush!
>> God bless our troops!
>> and God bless America
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:20 AM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> Hi Cindy:
>> I really don't disagree with Sherri at all. I just see both points
> of
>>
>> view.
>> That's always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. In
>> this case
>> I lack enough objectivity to decisively say how it should all be
> done.
>>
>> I'm
>> also hesitant to think that my particular problem is worth the
>> resources of
>> others, particularly when I created that problem. Thanks again for
>> your
>> encouragement and help. Perhaps out of all of this will come some
>> good.
>> Mike
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>
>> On
>> Behalf Of Cindy Handel
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Mike,
>>
>> I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree
>> with
>> her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things,
>> other
>> than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the
>> best.
>> It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness.
>> Your
>> X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to
> believe
>>
>> that
>> you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers,
>> which
>> really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to
> change
>>
>> her
>> view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize
>> that the
>> NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help.
>> The
>> custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really
>> very
>> sorry for you.
>>
>> Cindy
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> Hi Sherri:
>> Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At
>> times
>> like this it means a lot to me.
>>
>> Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult
>> though. As
>> I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness
>> related
>> costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce
>> with an
>> aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply
>> related to
>> virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made
> the
>>
>> other
>> party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for
>> both
>> sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything.
> There
>>
>> are
>> standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
>> questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
>>
>> My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in
>> order to
>> understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand
> pages
>>
>> of
>> so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I
> know,
>>
>> it
>> still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the
>> entire
>> seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance
>> to the
>> divorce. That costs tons of money.
>>
>> I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless
> tactics.
>>
>> As I
>> also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're
>> taken out
>> of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as
> the
>> accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal
>> fees
>> has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abouts.
>> Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply
>> can't
>> afford.
>>
>> In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's
>> members
>> used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make
>> tough
>> decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things
> in
>>
>> life
>> are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
>> Mike
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
> [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>>
>> On
>> Behalf Of Sherri
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
>> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>> Michael,
>>
>> Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
>> blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness,
>> it
>> really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your
>> desire to
>> get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
>>
>> Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his
>> opinion?
>> Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about
> your
>> situation.
>>
>> I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
>> children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child
>> was an
>> infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a
>> lot of
>> hoops for it to happen though.
>>
>> You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the
>> mistake, as
>> I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your
>> rules. Not
>> true!
>>
>> I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal
>> with your
>> problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was
>> little and
>> she will always love you no matter what.
>>
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
>> Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their
>> ability to
>> care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even
>> been
>> some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind
>> parents in
>> such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.
>> What
>> most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes
>> in
>> family court.
>>
>>
>>
>> First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go
>> there are
>> people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without
> an
>> Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set
> up
>>
>> to
>> help you.
>>
>>
>>
>> Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
>> situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these
>> lists.
>>
>> However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to
>> others so
>> will tell my story at some length.
>>
>>
>>
>> This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my
>> wife
>> and I, I'll tell it that way.
>>
>>
>>
>> In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named
>> Kristen.
>> At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge
> about
>>
>> one
>> another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that
>> included
>> unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was
>> pregnant.
>> For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time
>> most
>> wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if
> I'd
>>
>> be a
>> good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed
>> to do,
>> and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I
> wasn't
>>
>> sure
>> if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends
> assured
>>
>> me
>> that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just
>> didn't
>> know.
>>
>> What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared
>> for and
>> that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
>> Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and
>> moved
>> to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July.
>> I'd like
>> to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that
>> time
>> there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an
>> hour
>> long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through
>> with the
>> marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible
>> adults
>> could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
>>
>>
>>
>> Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It
>> was
>> the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I
>> threw
>> myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it
>> forever.
>> My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her
> diapers,
>>
>> gave
>> her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my
>> heart in
>> a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it
>> could
>> never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness
> to
>>
>> be
>> just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for
>> Julianna.
>> Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact,
>> at
>> first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her
>> as she
>> approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the
>> matter
>> much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you
>> have
>> eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that
>> my eyes
>> didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she
>> didn't
>> agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
>>
>>
>>
>> We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I
>> tucked her
>> in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
>> overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
>>
>>
>>
>> But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife
> and
>>
>> I,
>> for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same
>> ways. By
>> summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in
>> some
>> form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I
> can
>>
>> say
>> about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we
> both
>> honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it
>> didn't.
>>
>>
>>
>> The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a
>> little
>> past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which
>> she
>> asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that
>> nobody in
>> the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter
>> looking
>> like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and
>> stay
>> close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist
>> strap
>> which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My
>> wife
>> called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna
> getting
>>
>> away
>> from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I
>> ever
>> felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were
>> in a
>> large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
>>
>>
>>
>> In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and
>> disagreements
>> about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an
>> apartment in
>> Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with
>> our
>> daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued
>> to
>> attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
>>
>>
>>
>> At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living
>> away
>> from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would
> be
>>
>> home
>> soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family
>> home. At
>> some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to
>> the
>> ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was
>> afraid
>> of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking
>> her in
>> cabs because that too would be dangerous.
>>
>>
>>
>> By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had
>> an
>> apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She
>> demurred,
>> saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable
>> with
>> all of it.
>>
>>
>>
>> In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna
>> that we
>> could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My
> wife's
>> response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here:
>> "What
>> frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for
>> and
>> protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my
>> trust
>> (and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna
>> faces
>> no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations
> in
>>
>> the
>> care of someone who cannot see.
>>
>> That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to
>> your
>>
>> (considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make
> up
>>
>> for
>> having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an
>> object, in
>> this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your
>> grasp.
>> This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions
>> and/or
>> unfamiliar territory."
>>
>>
>>
>> "It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that
>> if
>> Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within
>> the
>> confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were
>> to
>> suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and
>> angry
>> at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if
> she
>> should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our
>> own
>> house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of
>> you,
>> or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against
>> straying (she
>> can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in
>> the
>> street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much
> less
>>
>> your
>> ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her
>> from
>> darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot
>> continue
>> to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone
>> who can
>> see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue
>> the
>> pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
>> because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
>>
>>
>>
>> I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I
>> didn't stop
>> Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to
>> ignore
>> the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.
>> That
>> way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become
>> more
>> creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was
>> sighted
>> or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets
>> up a
>> very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
>> maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in
>> order
>> that she not be in danger.
>>
>>
>>
>> But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were
>> fighting
>> about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and
>> their
>> concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out
>> that
>> thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children
>> and so
>> far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for
>> any
>> other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with
>> young
>> children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were
>> blind
>> kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became
> troublingly
>>
>> and
>> dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
>>
>>
>>
>> Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still
>> able
>> to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't
>> come to
>> my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or
>> feed
>> her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our
> separation
>>
>> and
>> still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my
>> daughter.
>>
>>
>>
>> In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and
>> physical
>> custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's
>> messy! The
>> grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk
>> taking,
>> dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were
>> said
>> about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to
>> not
>> believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it,
> although
>>
>> it
>> was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce
>> game the
>> one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
>>
>>
>>
>> I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and
>> realize
>> that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were
>> doing
>> irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
>>
>>
>>
>> So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and
>> respond. I
>> knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to
>> continue a
>> long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on
> but
>>
>> that
>> was pretty much it.
>>
>>
>>
>> But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
>> "Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer,
>> "yes,"
>>
>> and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done
>> that her
>> daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and
>> that he
>> did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking
>> the
>> law.
>>
>>
>>
>> Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on
> the
>> "facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations
>> were
>> in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family
>> home
>> because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my
>> home and
>> be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's
>> what I
>> felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have
>> private
>> communications or interactions with his daughter.
>>
>>
>>
>> Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called
> to
>>
>> begin
>> negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits
>> within
>> four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics,
>> not
>> realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I
>> had
>> people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to
>> work
>> with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify
>> that I
>> was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to
>> court on
>> the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in
> from
>> Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
>> parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's
> lawyer
>> didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly
>> negotiated an
>> agreement.
>>
>>
>>
>> Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I
> would
>>
>> allow
>> Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things
>> that
>> were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody
>> wanted to
>> give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly
>> said
>> "recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my
>> wife's
>> lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement.
>> My
>> wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my
>> house
>> and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to
>> take
>> place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600
>> trying
>> to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way
> courts
>>
>> work,
>> I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to
>> declare
>> her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore.
>> In
>> fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford
>> one.
>> Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon
> how
>>
>> my
>> creditors choose to pursue payments.
>>
>>
>>
>> So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per
>> week
>> of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my
>> home,
>> but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna
>> now
>> believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk
>> to
>> figure out that daddy is dangerous.
>>
>>
>>
>> I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man
>> who is
>> being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about
>> blindness.
>> In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends
>> upon
>> money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
>> organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather
>> than the
>> child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help.
>> Moving
>> the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is
>> for
>> poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
>> resources simply aren't adequate.
>>
>>
>>
>> Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims
>> and
>> often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes
>> up. I
>> find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life
>> go by,
>> always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next
>> meeting or
>> in the next court action.
>>
>>
>>
>> The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
>> blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other
>> things.
>>
>> I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I
>> gave her
>> the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her
>> if she
>> saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify
> on
>>
>> my
>> behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
>> marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce
>> cases is
>> pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it.
>> I
>> mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
>>
>>
>>
>> The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of
>> helping with
>> blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of
> the
>>
>> case
>> is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it
> will
>>
>> be of
>> little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever
>> opponents can
>> mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes
>> very
>> expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer
>> who
>> makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially
>> wins.
>>
>> Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases
>> come to
>> trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it
>> comes to
>> divorces.
>>
>> What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts
>> will
>> appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but
>> you
>> have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to
>> appoint
>> an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work
>> for no
>> pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody
>> needs
>> to defend her right to see her daddy.
>>
>>
>>
>> All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could
>> present
>> witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I
> don't
>> believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things
>> up. In
>> her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though
>> is that
>> the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that
>> the
>> standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they
>> sort it
>> out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy,
>> in his
>> home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.
>> She
>> needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight.
> I
>>
>> also
>> believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent
>> to
>> which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a
> child
>>
>> is
>> involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.
>> Lawyers
>> ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they
> resolve
>>
>> cases
>> rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases
>> going to
>> trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most
>> importantly,
>> lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should
>> be held
>> to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
>> demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger
> to
>>
>> their
>> clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good
>> judgment.
>> Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
>> withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with
>> actual
>> evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental
> rights.
>>
>> In
>> other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it
> comes
>>
>> to
>> children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption
> that
>> mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me
>> from the
>> beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty
>> percent
>> custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where
>> she
>> should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be
>> dragged
>> into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think
>> that's true
>> far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many
> father's
>>
>> who
>> simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given
>> the
>> rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a
>> dad who
>> continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to
>> late.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>>
>> Michael Bullis
>>
>> Work phone: 410-737-2604
>>
>> Cell: 443-992-1537
>>
>> Evening phone: 410-323-4884
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> ----
>> ----
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nfb-talk mailing list
>> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>>
>>
>> --
>> No virus found in this incoming message.
>> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
>> Version: 7.5.476 / Virus Database: 269.11.11/944 - Release Date:
> 8/9/2007
>> 2:44 PM
>>
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> nfb-talk mailing list
> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>
> _______________________________________________
> nfb-talk mailing list
> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>
> _______________________________________________
> nfb-talk mailing list
> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
>
> _______________________________________________
> nfb-talk mailing list
> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
> _______________________________________________
> nfb-talk mailing list
> nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nfb-talk
More information about the nfb-talk
mailing list