[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike Freeman
k7uij at panix.com
Wed Aug 8 22:39:44 CDT 2007
Cindy:
With great respect, I disagree with you. Going to the press would be the
*last* thing Mike should do. It would only cause her lawyer to pull
something worse.
Divorces are almost always messy and, frankly, the process is often
irrational at best. Sadly, justice is not always the outcome.
Mike
----- Original Message -----
From: Cindy Handel
To: mabullis at hotmail.com ; NFB Talk Mailing List
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 1:51 PM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike,
It's very sad when things like this have to go to the press. But, I
think
you're right, in your case. She isn't being reasonable and, despite
your
willingness to try to work with her, she's determined not to allow you
the
access, you deserve, to your daughter. You're right...mothers have
the
advantage when it comes to children. It shouldn't be that way. The
father
is expected to be there, financially, but beyond that, it doesn't seem
to
matter, and that's just wrong. Your daughter needs you in her life,
and I
think you should take every opportunity to be there. If that means
going
public, I think you should do that. I'm truly sorry your wife has
such a
mindset against blindness that she was unwilling to learn from you,
during
the time you were together. She has her parents supporting her wrong
thinking, so something has to be done to break through, even if it
means you
need to be as nasty as she's been.
I'm not a parent, but as someone else said, it hurt to read your
original
message. I hope things begin to go your way.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:09 PM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Thanks Ray. I'll hang in there. You're certainly right when you say
that
my self image is suffering. Somehow I have to move this into a forum
in
which the truth will be told. That probably means the press at this
point
because money for lawyers isn't there. Thanks for your encouragement.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
Behalf Of Ray Foret Jr
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:53 AM
To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
mike, quite frankly, it hurt to read your original message. But you
see,
your pain is our pain also. What effects one of us effects us all.
Your
situation is; in my humble opinion, well worth our resources. I fear
your
adversary has perhaps subconsciously been so attacking you as a blind
person
so hard that in the deepest recesses of your academic mind, she's got
you
questioning your self worth. I suspect, though, that in the deepest
part of
your soul and spirit, you know better. Time for you to come down off
the
fence and solidly defend yourself. Yes, that means using ALL of the
resources at your disposal. Yes, technically, the NFB deals primarily
with
blindness issues; and, as cindy said, "It does seem, however, that
this is
largely due to your blindness. Your X-wife has a basic distrust of
blindness". The long and the short of it seems to be that your x wife
doesn't think you can do anything because you're blind. In the
federation,
we care about the whole person, not just the not just whether the
person is
blind or not; at least, that's how I've always felt about us. When
ever one
of us feels pain, we all feel it. All too often, it's our very own
families
which are the cause of this pain. You did right coming to us with
your
burden. We'll help you bare it as much as possible. Hang in there.
Don't
give up!!!
Sincerely yours,
The Constantly Barefooted,
Ray
Home phone and fax:
(985)853-0139
E-mail:
rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
Skype Name:
barefootedray
Blog:
www.raysworld.blogs.com
Podcast .rss Feed:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
God bless President George W. Bush!
God bless our troops!
and God bless America
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:20 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Hi Cindy:
I really don't disagree with Sherri at all. I just see both points of
view.
That's always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. In
this case
I lack enough objectivity to decisively say how it should all be done.
I'm
also hesitant to think that my particular problem is worth the
resources of
others, particularly when I created that problem. Thanks again for
your
encouragement and help. Perhaps out of all of this will come some
good.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
Behalf Of Cindy Handel
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike,
I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree
with
her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things,
other
than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the
best.
It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness.
Your
X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to believe
that
you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers,
which
really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to change
her
view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize
that the
NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help.
The
custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really
very
sorry for you.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Hi Sherri:
Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At
times
like this it means a lot to me.
Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult
though. As
I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness
related
costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce
with an
aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply
related to
virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made the
other
party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for
both
sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything. There
are
standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in
order to
understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand pages
of
so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I know,
it
still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the
entire
seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance
to the
divorce. That costs tons of money.
I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless tactics.
As I
also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're
taken out
of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as the
accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal
fees
has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abouts.
Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply
can't
afford.
In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's
members
used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make
tough
decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things in
life
are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
Behalf Of Sherri
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Michael,
Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness,
it
really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your
desire to
get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his
opinion?
Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about your
situation.
I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child
was an
infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a
lot of
hoops for it to happen though.
You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the
mistake, as
I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your
rules. Not
true!
I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal
with your
problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was
little and
she will always love you no matter what.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their
ability to
care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even
been
some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind
parents in
such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.
What
most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes
in
family court.
First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go
there are
people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without an
Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set up
to
help you.
Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these
lists.
However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to
others so
will tell my story at some length.
This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my
wife
and I, I'll tell it that way.
In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named
Kristen.
At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge about
one
another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that
included
unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was
pregnant.
For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time
most
wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if I'd
be a
good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed
to do,
and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I wasn't
sure
if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends assured
me
that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just
didn't
know.
What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared
for and
that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and
moved
to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July.
I'd like
to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that
time
there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an
hour
long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through
with the
marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible
adults
could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It
was
the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I
threw
myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it
forever.
My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her diapers,
gave
her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my
heart in
a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it
could
never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness to
be
just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for
Julianna.
Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact,
at
first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her
as she
approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the
matter
much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you
have
eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that
my eyes
didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she
didn't
agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I
tucked her
in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife and
I,
for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same
ways. By
summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in
some
form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I can
say
about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we both
honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it
didn't.
The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a
little
past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which
she
asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that
nobody in
the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter
looking
like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and
stay
close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist
strap
which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My
wife
called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna getting
away
from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I
ever
felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were
in a
large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and
disagreements
about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an
apartment in
Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with
our
daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued
to
attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living
away
from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would be
home
soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family
home. At
some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to
the
ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was
afraid
of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking
her in
cabs because that too would be dangerous.
By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had
an
apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She
demurred,
saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable
with
all of it.
In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna
that we
could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My wife's
response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here:
"What
frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for
and
protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my
trust
(and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna
faces
no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations in
the
care of someone who cannot see.
That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to
your
(considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make up
for
having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an
object, in
this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your
grasp.
This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions
and/or
unfamiliar territory."
"It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that
if
Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within
the
confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were
to
suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and
angry
at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if she
should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our
own
house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of
you,
or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against
straying (she
can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in
the
street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much less
your
ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her
from
darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot
continue
to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone
who can
see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue
the
pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I
didn't stop
Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to
ignore
the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.
That
way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become
more
creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was
sighted
or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets
up a
very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in
order
that she not be in danger.
But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were
fighting
about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and
their
concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out
that
thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children
and so
far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for
any
other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with
young
children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were
blind
kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became troublingly
and
dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still
able
to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't
come to
my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or
feed
her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our separation
and
still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my
daughter.
In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and
physical
custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's
messy! The
grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk
taking,
dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were
said
about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to
not
believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it, although
it
was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce
game the
one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and
realize
that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were
doing
irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and
respond. I
knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to
continue a
long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on but
that
was pretty much it.
But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
"Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer,
"yes,"
and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done
that her
daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and
that he
did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking
the
law.
Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on the
"facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations
were
in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family
home
because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my
home and
be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's
what I
felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have
private
communications or interactions with his daughter.
Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called to
begin
negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits
within
four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics,
not
realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I
had
people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to
work
with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify
that I
was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to
court on
the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in from
Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's lawyer
didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly
negotiated an
agreement.
Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I would
allow
Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things
that
were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody
wanted to
give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly
said
"recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my
wife's
lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement.
My
wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my
house
and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to
take
place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600
trying
to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way courts
work,
I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to
declare
her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore.
In
fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford
one.
Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon how
my
creditors choose to pursue payments.
So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per
week
of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my
home,
but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna
now
believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk
to
figure out that daddy is dangerous.
I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man
who is
being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about
blindness.
In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends
upon
money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather
than the
child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help.
Moving
the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is
for
poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
resources simply aren't adequate.
Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims
and
often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes
up. I
find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life
go by,
always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next
meeting or
in the next court action.
The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other
things.
I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I
gave her
the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her
if she
saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify on
my
behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce
cases is
pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it.
I
mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of
helping with
blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of the
case
is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it will
be of
little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever
opponents can
mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes
very
expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer
who
makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially
wins.
Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases
come to
trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it
comes to
divorces.
What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts
will
appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but
you
have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to
appoint
an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work
for no
pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody
needs
to defend her right to see her daddy.
All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could
present
witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I don't
believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things
up. In
her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though
is that
the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that
the
standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they
sort it
out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy,
in his
home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.
She
needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight. I
also
believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent
to
which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a child
is
involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.
Lawyers
ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they resolve
cases
rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases
going to
trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most
importantly,
lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should
be held
to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger to
their
clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good
judgment.
Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with
actual
evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental rights.
In
other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it comes
to
children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption that
mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me
from the
beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty
percent
custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where
she
should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be
dragged
into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think
that's true
far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many father's
who
simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given
the
rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a
dad who
continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to
late.
Sincerely,
Michael Bullis
Work phone: 410-737-2604
Cell: 443-992-1537
Evening phone: 410-323-4884
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Cindy:
With great respect, I disagree with you. Going to the press would be the *last* thing Mike should do. It would only cause her lawyer to pull something worse.
Divorces are almost always messy and, frankly, the process is often irrational at best. Sadly, justice is not always the outcome.
Mike
----- Original Message -----
From:
mailto:cindy425 at verizon.net Cindy Handel
To:
mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
; mailto:nfb-talk at nfbnet.org NFB Talk Mailing List
Sent:
Wednesday, August 08, 2007 1:51 PM
Subject:
Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike,
It's very sad when things like this have to go to the press. But, I think
you're right, in your case. She isn't being reasonable and, despite your
willingness to try to work with her, she's determined not to allow you the
access, you deserve, to your daughter. You're right...mothers have the
advantage when it comes to children. It shouldn't be that way. The father
is expected to be there, financially, but beyond that, it doesn't seem to
matter, and that's just wrong. Your daughter needs you in her life, and I
think you should take every opportunity to be there. If that means going
public, I think you should do that. I'm truly sorry your wife has such a
mindset against blindness that she was unwilling to learn from you, during
the time you were together. She has her parents supporting her wrong
thinking, so something has to be done to break through, even if it means you
need to be as nasty as she's been.
I'm not a parent, but as someone else said, it hurt to read your original
message. I hope things begin to go your way.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" < mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" < mailto:nfb-talk at nfbnet.org nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:09 PM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Thanks Ray. I'll hang in there. You're certainly right when you say that
my self image is suffering. Somehow I have to move this into a forum in
which the truth will be told. That probably means the press at this point
because money for lawyers isn't there. Thanks for your encouragement.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
[mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Ray Foret Jr
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:53 AM
To: mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
mike, quite frankly, it hurt to read your original message. But you see,
your pain is our pain also. What effects one of us effects us all. Your
situation is; in my humble opinion, well worth our resources. I fear your
adversary has perhaps subconsciously been so attacking you as a blind person
so hard that in the deepest recesses of your academic mind, she's got you
questioning your self worth. I suspect, though, that in the deepest part of
your soul and spirit, you know better. Time for you to come down off the
fence and solidly defend yourself. Yes, that means using ALL of the
resources at your disposal. Yes, technically, the NFB deals primarily with
blindness issues; and, as cindy said, "It does seem, however, that this is
largely due to your blindness. Your X-wife has a basic distrust of
blindness". The long and the short of it seems to be that your x wife
doesn't think you can do anything because you're blind. In the federation,
we care about the whole person, not just the not just whether the person is
blind or not; at least, that's how I've always felt about us. When ever one
of us feels pain, we all feel it. All too often, it's our very own families
which are the cause of this pain. You did right coming to us with your
burden. We'll help you bare it as much as possible. Hang in there. Don't
give up!!!
Sincerely yours,
The Constantly Barefooted,
Ray
Home phone and fax:
(985)853-0139
E-mail:
rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
Skype Name:
barefootedray
Blog:
http://www.raysworld.blogs.com www.raysworld.blogs.com
Podcast .rss Feed:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
God bless President George W. Bush!
God bless our troops!
and God bless America
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" < mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" < mailto:nfb-talk at nfbnet.org nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:20 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Hi Cindy:
I really don't disagree with Sherri at all. I just see both points of view.
That's always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. In this case
I lack enough objectivity to decisively say how it should all be done. I'm
also hesitant to think that my particular problem is worth the resources of
others, particularly when I created that problem. Thanks again for your
encouragement and help. Perhaps out of all of this will come some good.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
[mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Cindy Handel
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
To: mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike,
I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree with
her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things, other
than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the best.
It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness. Your
X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to believe that
you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers, which
really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to change her
view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize that the
NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help. The
custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really very
sorry for you.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" < mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" < mailto:nfb-talk at nfbnet.org nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Hi Sherri:
Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At times
like this it means a lot to me.
Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult though. As
I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness related
costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce with an
aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply related to
virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made the other
party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for both
sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything. There are
standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in order to
understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand pages of
so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I know, it
still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the entire
seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance to the
divorce. That costs tons of money.
I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless tactics. As I
also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're taken out
of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as the
accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal fees
has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abouts.
Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply can't
afford.
In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's members
used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make tough
decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things in life
are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org
[mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Sherri
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
To: mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Michael,
Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness, it
really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your desire to
get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his opinion?
Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about your
situation.
I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child was an
infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a lot of
hoops for it to happen though.
You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the mistake, as
I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your rules. Not
true!
I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal with your
problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was little and
she will always love you no matter what.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" < mailto:mabullis at hotmail.com mabullis at hotmail.com
>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" < mailto:nfb-talk at nfbnet.org nfb-talk at nfbnet.org
>
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their ability to
care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even been
some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind parents in
such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases. What
most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes in
family court.
First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go there are
people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without an
Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set up to
help you.
Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these lists.
However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to others so
will tell my story at some length.
This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my wife
and I, I'll tell it that way.
In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named Kristen.
At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge about one
another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that included
unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was pregnant.
For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time most
wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if I'd be a
good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed to do,
and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I wasn't sure
if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends assured me
that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just didn't
know.
What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared for and
that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and moved
to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July. I'd like
to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that time
there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an hour
long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through with the
marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible adults
could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It was
the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I threw
myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it forever.
My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her diapers, gave
her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my heart in
a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it could
never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness to be
just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for Julianna.
Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact, at
first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her as she
approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the matter
much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you have
eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that my eyes
didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she didn't
agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I tucked her
in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife and I,
for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same ways. By
summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in some
form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I can say
about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we both
honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it didn't.
The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a little
past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which she
asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that nobody in
the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter looking
like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and stay
close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist strap
which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My wife
called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna getting away
from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I ever
felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were in a
large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and disagreements
about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an apartment in
Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with our
daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued to
attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living away
from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would be home
soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family home. At
some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to the
ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was afraid
of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking her in
cabs because that too would be dangerous.
By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had an
apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She demurred,
saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable with
all of it.
In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna that we
could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My wife's
response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here: "What
frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for and
protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my trust
(and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna faces
no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations in the
care of someone who cannot see.
That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to your
(considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make up for
having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an object, in
this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your grasp.
This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions and/or
unfamiliar territory."
"It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that if
Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within the
confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were to
suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and angry
at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if she
should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our own
house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of you,
or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against straying (she
can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in the
street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much less your
ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her from
darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot continue
to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone who can
see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue the
pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I didn't stop
Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to ignore
the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes. That
way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become more
creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was sighted
or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets up a
very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in order
that she not be in danger.
But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were fighting
about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and their
concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out that
thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children and so
far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for any
other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with young
children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were blind
kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became troublingly and
dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still able
to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't come to
my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or feed
her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our separation and
still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my daughter.
In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and physical
custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's messy! The
grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk taking,
dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were said
about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to not
believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it, although it
was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce game the
one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and realize
that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were doing
irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and respond. I
knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to continue a
long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on but that
was pretty much it.
But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
"Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer, "yes,"
and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done that her
daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and that he
did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking the
law.
Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on the
"facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations were
in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family home
because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my home and
be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's what I
felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have private
communications or interactions with his daughter.
Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called to begin
negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits within
four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics, not
realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I had
people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to work
with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify that I
was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to court on
the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in from
Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's lawyer
didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly negotiated an
agreement.
Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I would allow
Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things that
were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody wanted to
give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly said
"recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my wife's
lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement. My
wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my house
and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to take
place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600 trying
to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way courts work,
I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to declare
her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore. In
fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford one.
Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon how my
creditors choose to pursue payments.
So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per week
of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my home,
but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna now
believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk to
figure out that daddy is dangerous.
I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man who is
being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about blindness.
In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends upon
money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather than the
child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help. Moving
the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is for
poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
resources simply aren't adequate.
Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims and
often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes up. I
find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life go by,
always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next meeting or
in the next court action.
The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other things.
I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I gave her
the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her if she
saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify on my
behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce cases is
pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it. I
mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of helping with
blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of the case
is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it will be of
little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever opponents can
mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes very
expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer who
makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially wins.
Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases come to
trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it comes to
divorces.
What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts will
appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but you
have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to appoint
an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work for no
pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody needs
to defend her right to see her daddy.
All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could present
witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I don't
believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things up. In
her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though is that
the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that the
standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they sort it
out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy, in his
home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with. She
needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight. I also
believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent to
which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a child is
involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed. Lawyers
ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they resolve cases
rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases going to
trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most importantly,
lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should be held
to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger to their
clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good judgment.
Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with actual
evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental rights. In
other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it comes to
children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption that
mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me from the
beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty percent
custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where she
should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be dragged
into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think that's true
far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many father's who
simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given the
rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a dad who
continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to late.
Sincerely,
Michael Bullis
Work phone: 410-737-2604
Cell: 443-992-1537
Evening phone: 410-323-4884
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