[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
kaye zimpher
kayezimpher at bellsouth.net
Wed Aug 8 21:41:11 CDT 2007
Oh I thought you and your husband went. I hope you can go next year too.
----- Original Message -----
From: <dmgina at qwest.net>
To: <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 4:21 PM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
> Hi there,
> Thanks for the compliment, I wasn't at convention.
> Would love to go next year.
> I do hope all can step in and help.
> You would think that standing up to the fact their is a daughter involved,
> and wanting to help would matter.
> Makes you wonder what people are thinking.
> Dar
> ----- source message -----
> from: "kaye zimpher" <kayezimpher at bellsouth.net>
> to: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
> date: wednesday Aug 8 2007, 19:25:54
> subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>
>>
>>
>> Hi Darr,
>> You seem so nice in your posts that I was going to try to look you up at
>> convention, but time got away from me. Anyways, the press really can
>> help.
>> If he calls a TV station and tells his story that is big news ratings
>> too.
>> Look what this umm person is doing to this blind guy. sure there will be
>> those who say that he can't be a parent, but publicity in the press is
>> not
>> what any lawyer needs or wants. It is simple discrimination. I know it is
>> out there, but he might even want to call the aclu. I know they are
>> tipically for a different minority, but I have actually talked to them
>> before.
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "dmgina" <dmgina at qwest.net>
>> To: <mabullis at hotmail.com>; "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:33 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>>
>>
>> >I don't knoweaS here is
>> > my question,
>> > How would the press help out in this case.
>> > I know of a friend who did a story with himself and his son.
>> > How he went and picked him up.
>> > At the time the child was quite small.
>> > I know he is still in contact with his son, who now is grown up.
>> > Boy time flies.
>> > But I don't know how the press can help you with the problems of the
>> > family
>> > members.
>> > What bothers me, is two against one.
>> > Or is it three.
>> > Since it is parents as well as your wife.
>> > I would start a savings account for your daughter, who can't touch it
>> > until
>> > she is twenty one or so.
>> > And don't put your wife's name on the account at all.
>> > Just know I am not against what you wish to do, I just don't
>> > understand.
>> > I know a friend whose daughter was taken away, because they felt she
>> > was
>> > under fed.
>> > But the daughter didn't eat much.
>> > Had nothing to do with what mama was doing.
>> > The Federation got the child back from the foster home.
>> > Now the child is grown up as well.
>> > Wishing you the best.
>> > Blessings always,
>> >
>> > --Dar
>> > www.mypowermall.com/biz/home/5779
>> > Every Saint has a past
>> > Every Sinner has a future
>> >
>> > ----- Original Message -----
>> > From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> > To: "'Ationfb Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> > Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 12:09 PM
>> > Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >
>> >
>> >> Thanks Ray. I'll hang in there. You're certainly right when you say
>> >> that
>> >> my self image is suffering. Somehow I have to move this into a forum
>> >> in
>> >> which the truth will be told. That probably means the press at this
>> >> point
>> >> because money for lawyers isn't there. Thanks for your encouragement.
>> >> Mike
>> >>
>> >> ----comOriginal Message-----
>> >> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> >> On
>> >> Behalf Of Ray Foret Jr
>> >> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:53 AM
>> >> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> >> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >> mike, quite frankly, it hurt to read your original message. But you
>> >> see,
>> >> your pain is our pain also. What effects one of us effects us all.
>> >> Your
>> >> situation is; in my humble opinion, well worth our resources. I fear
>> >> your
>> >> adversary has perhaps subconsciously been so attacking you as a blind
>> >> person
>> >> so hard that in the deepest recesses of your academic mind, she's got
>> >> you
>> >> questioning your self worth. I suspect, though, that in the deepest
>> >> part
>> >> of
>> >> your soul and spirit, you know better. Time for you to come down off
>> >> the
>> >> fence and solidly defend yourself. Yes, that means using ALL of the
>> >> resources at your disposal. Yes, technically, the NFB deals primarily
>> >> with
>> >> blindness issues; and, as cindy said, "It does seem, however, that
>> >> this
>> >> is
>> >> largely due to your blindness. Your X-wife has a basic distrust of
>> >> blindness". The long and the short of it seems to be that your x wife
>> >> doesn't think you can do anything because you're blind. In the
>> >> federation,
>> >> we care about the whole person, not just the not just whether the
>> >> person
>> >> is
>> >> blind or not; at least, that's how I've always felt about us. When
>> >> ever
>> >> one
>> >> of us feels pain, we all feel it. All too often, it's our very own
>> >> families
>> >> which are the cause of this pain. You did right coming to us with
>> >> your
>> >> burden. We'll help you bare it as much as possible. Hang in there.
>> >> Don't
>> >> give up!!!
>> >>
>> >> Sincerely yours,
>> >> The Constantly Barefooted,
>> >> Ray
>> >> Home phone and fax:
>> >> (985(853-0139
>> >> E-mail:
>> >> rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
>> >> Skype Name:
>> >> barefootedray
>> >> Blog:
>> >> www.raysworld.blogs.com
>> >> Podcast .rss Feed:
>> >> http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
>> >>
>> >> God bless President George W. Bush!
>> >> God bless our troops!
>> >> and God bless America
>> >> ----- Original Message -----
>> >> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> >> To: "'Ationfb Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> >> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:20 AM
>> >> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Hi Cindy:
>> >> I really don't disagree with Sherri at all. I just see both points of
>> >> view.
>> >> That's always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. In
>> >> this
>> >> case
>> >> I lack enough objectivity to decisively say how it should all be done.
>> >> I'm
>> >> also hesitant to think that my particular problem is worth the
>> >> resources
>> >> of
>> >> others, particularly when I created that problem. Thanks again for
>> >> your
>> >> encouragement and help. Perhaps out of all of this will come some
>> >> good.
>> >> Mike
>> >>
>> >> ----comOriginal Message-----
>> >> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> >> On
>> >> Behalf Of Cindy Handel
>> >> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
>> >> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> >> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >> Mike,
>> >>
>> >> I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree
>> >> with
>> >> her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things,
>> >> other
>> >> than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the
>> >> best.
>> >> It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness.
>> >> Your
>> >> X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to believe
>> >> that
>> >> you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers,
>> >> which
>> >> really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to change
>> >> her
>> >> view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize
>> >> that
>> >> the
>> >> NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help.
>> >> The
>> >> custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really
>> >> very
>> >> sorry for you.
>> >>
>> >> Cindy
>> >> ----- Original Message -----
>> >> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> >> To: "'Ationfb Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> >> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
>> >> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Hi Sherri:
>> >> Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At
>> >> times
>> >> like this it means a lot to me.
>> >>
>> >> Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult
>> >> though.
>> >> As
>> >> I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness
>> >> related
>> >> costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce
>> >> with
>> >> an
>> >> aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply
>> >> related
>> >> to
>> >> virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made the
>> >> other
>> >> party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for
>> >> both
>> >> sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything. There
>> >> are
>> >> standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
>> >> questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
>> >>
>> >> My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in
>> >> order
>> >> to
>> >> understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand pages
>> >> of
>> >> so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I know,
>> >> it
>> >> still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the
>> >> entire
>> >> seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance
>> >> to
>> >> the
>> >> divorce. That costs tons of money.
>> >>
>> >> I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless tactics.
>> >> As
>> >> I
>> >> also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're
>> >> taken
>> >> out
>> >> of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as the
>> >> accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal
>> >> fees
>> >> has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abs.
>> >> Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply
>> >> can't
>> >> afford.
>> >>
>> >> In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's
>> >> members
>> >> used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make
>> >> tough
>> >> decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things in
>> >> life
>> >> are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
>> >> Mike
>> >>
>> >> ----comOriginal Message-----
>> >> From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>> >> On
>> >> Behalf Of Sherri
>> >> Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
>> >> To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
>> >> Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >> Michael,
>> >>
>> >> Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
>> >> blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness,
>> >> it
>> >> really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your
>> >> desire
>> >> to
>> >> get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
>> >>
>> >> Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his
>> >> opinion?
>> >> Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about your
>> >> situation.
>> >>
>> >> I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
>> >> children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child
>> >> was
>> >> an
>> >> infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a
>> >> lot
>> >> of
>> >> hoops for it to happen though.
>> >>
>> >> You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the
>> >> mistake,
>> >> as
>> >> I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your
>> >> rules.
>> >> Not
>> >> true!
>> >>
>> >> I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal
>> >> with
>> >> your
>> >> problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was
>> >> little
>> >> and
>> >> she will always love you no matter what.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> ----- Original Message -----
>> >> From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
>> >> To: "'Ationfb Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
>> >> Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
>> >> Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their
>> >> ability
>> >> to
>> >> care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even
>> >> been
>> >> some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind
>> >> parents
>> >> in
>> >> such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.
>> >> What
>> >> most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes
>> >> in
>> >> family court.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go
>> >> there
>> >> are
>> >> people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without an
>> >> Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set up
>> >> to
>> >> help you.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
>> >> situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these
>> >> lists.
>> >>
>> >> However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to
>> >> others
>> >> so
>> >> will tell my story at some length.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my
>> >> wife
>> >> and I, I'll tell it that way.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named
>> >> Kristen.
>> >> At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge about
>> >> one
>> >> another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that
>> >> included
>> >> unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was
>> >> pregnant.
>> >> For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time
>> >> most
>> >> wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if I'd
>> >> be
>> >> a
>> >> good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed
>> >> to
>> >> do,
>> >> and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I wasn't
>> >> sure
>> >> if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends assured
>> >> me
>> >> that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just
>> >> didn't
>> >> know.
>> >>
>> >> What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared
>> >> for
>> >> and
>> >> that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
>> >> Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and
>> >> moved
>> >> to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July.
>> >> I'd
>> >> like
>> >> to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that
>> >> time
>> >> there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an
>> >> hour
>> >> long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through
>> >> with
>> >> the
>> >> marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible
>> >> adults
>> >> could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It
>> >> was
>> >> the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I
>> >> threw
>> >> myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it
>> >> forever.
>> >> My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her diapers,
>> >> gave
>> >> her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my
>> >> heart
>> >> in
>> >> a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it
>> >> could
>> >> never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness to
>> >> be
>> >> just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for
>> >> Julianna.
>> >> Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact,
>> >> at
>> >> first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her
>> >> as
>> >> she
>> >> approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the
>> >> matter
>> >> much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you
>> >> have
>> >> eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that
>> >> my
>> >> eyes
>> >> didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she
>> >> didn't
>> >> agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I
>> >> tucked
>> >> her
>> >> in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
>> >> overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife and
>> >> I,
>> >> for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same
>> >> ways.
>> >> By
>> >> summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in
>> >> some
>> >> form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I can
>> >> say
>> >> about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we both
>> >> honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it
>> >> didn't.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a
>> >> little
>> >> past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which
>> >> she
>> >> asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that
>> >> nobody
>> >> in
>> >> the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter
>> >> looking
>> >> like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and
>> >> stay
>> >> close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist
>> >> strap
>> >> which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My
>> >> wife
>> >> called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna getting
>> >> away
>> >> from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I
>> >> ever
>> >> felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were
>> >> in
>> >> a
>> >> large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and
>> >> disagreements
>> >> about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an
>> >> apartment
>> >> in
>> >> Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with
>> >> our
>> >> daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued
>> >> to
>> >> attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living
>> >> away
>> >> from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would be
>> >> home
>> >> soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family
>> >> home.
>> >> At
>> >> some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to
>> >> the
>> >> ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was
>> >> afraid
>> >> of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking
>> >> her
>> >> in
>> >> cabs because that too would be dangerous.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had
>> >> an
>> >> apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She
>> >> demurred,
>> >> saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable
>> >> with
>> >> all of it.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna
>> >> that
>> >> we
>> >> could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My wife's
>> >> response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here:
>> >> "What
>> >> frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for
>> >> and
>> >> protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my
>> >> trust
>> >> (and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna
>> >> faces
>> >> no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations in
>> >> the
>> >> care of someone who cannot see.
>> >>
>> >> That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to
>> >> your
>> >>
>> >> (considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make up
>> >> for
>> >> having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an
>> >> object,
>> >> in
>> >> this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your
>> >> grasp.
>> >> This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions
>> >> and/or
>> >> unfamiliar territory."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that
>> >> if
>> >> Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within
>> >> the
>> >> confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were
>> >> to
>> >> suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and
>> >> angry
>> >> at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if she
>> >> should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our
>> >> own
>> >> house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of
>> >> you,
>> >> or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against
>> >> straying
>> >> (she
>> >> can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in
>> >> the
>> >> street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much less
>> >> your
>> >> ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her
>> >> from
>> >> darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot
>> >> continue
>> >> to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone
>> >> who
>> >> can
>> >> see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue
>> >> the
>> >> pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
>> >> because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I
>> >> didn't
>> >> stop
>> >> Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to
>> >> ignore
>> >> the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.
>> >> That
>> >> way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become
>> >> more
>> >> creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was
>> >> sighted
>> >> or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets
>> >> up
>> >> a
>> >> very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
>> >> maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in
>> >> order
>> >> that she not be in danger.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were
>> >> fighting
>> >> about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and
>> >> their
>> >> concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out
>> >> that
>> >> thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children
>> >> and
>> >> so
>> >> far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for
>> >> any
>> >> other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with
>> >> young
>> >> children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were
>> >> blind
>> >> kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became troublingly
>> >> and
>> >> dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still
>> >> able
>> >> to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't
>> >> come
>> >> to
>> >> my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or
>> >> feed
>> >> her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our separation
>> >> and
>> >> still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my
>> >> daughter.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and
>> >> physical
>> >> custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's
>> >> messy!
>> >> The
>> >> grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk
>> >> taking,
>> >> dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were
>> >> said
>> >> about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to
>> >> not
>> >> believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it, although
>> >> it
>> >> was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce
>> >> game
>> >> the
>> >> one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and
>> >> realize
>> >> that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were
>> >> doing
>> >> irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and
>> >> respond.
>> >> I
>> >> knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to
>> >> continue
>> >> a
>> >> long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on but
>> >> that
>> >> was pretty much it.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
>> >> "Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer,
>> >> "yes,"
>> >>
>> >> and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done
>> >> that
>> >> her
>> >> daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and
>> >> that
>> >> he
>> >> did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking
>> >> the
>> >> law.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on the
>> >> "facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations
>> >> were
>> >> in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family
>> >> home
>> >> because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my
>> >> home
>> >> and
>> >> be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's
>> >> what
>> >> I
>> >> felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have
>> >> private
>> >> communications or interactions with his daughter.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called to
>> >> begin
>> >> negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits
>> >> within
>> >> four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics,
>> >> not
>> >> realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I
>> >> had
>> >> people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to
>> >> work
>> >> with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify
>> >> that
>> >> I
>> >> was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to
>> >> court
>> >> on
>> >> the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in from
>> >> Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
>> >> parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's lawyer
>> >> didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly
>> >> negotiated
>> >> an
>> >> agreement.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I would
>> >> allow
>> >> Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things
>> >> that
>> >> were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody
>> >> wanted
>> >> to
>> >> give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly
>> >> said
>> >> "recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my
>> >> wife's
>> >> lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement.
>> >> My
>> >> wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my
>> >> house
>> >> and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to
>> >> take
>> >> place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600
>> >> trying
>> >> to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way courts
>> >> work,
>> >> I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to
>> >> declare
>> >> her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore.
>> >> In
>> >> fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford
>> >> one.
>> >> Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon how
>> >> my
>> >> creditors choose to pursue payments.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per
>> >> week
>> >> of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my
>> >> home,
>> >> but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna
>> >> now
>> >> believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk
>> >> to
>> >> figure out that daddy is dangerous.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man
>> >> who
>> >> is
>> >> being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about
>> >> blindness.
>> >> In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends
>> >> upon
>> >> money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
>> >> organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather
>> >> than
>> >> the
>> >> child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help.
>> >> Moving
>> >> the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is
>> >> for
>> >> poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
>> >> resources simply aren't adequate.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims
>> >> and
>> >> often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes
>> >> up.
>> >> I
>> >> find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life
>> >> go
>> >> by,
>> >> always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next
>> >> meeting
>> >> or
>> >> in the next court action.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
>> >> blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other
>> >> things.
>> >>
>> >> I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I
>> >> gave
>> >> her
>> >> the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her
>> >> if
>> >> she
>> >> saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify on
>> >> my
>> >> behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
>> >> marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce
>> >> cases
>> >> is
>> >> pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it.
>> >> I
>> >> mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of
>> >> helping
>> >> with
>> >> blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of the
>> >> case
>> >> is blindness related. NFB by /is willing to pay for that, but, it will
>> >> be
>> >> of
>> >> little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever
>> >> opponents
>> >> can
>> >> mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes
>> >> very
>> >> expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer
>> >> who
>> >> makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially
>> >> wins.
>> >>
>> >> Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases
>> >> come
>> >> to
>> >> trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it
>> >> comes
>> >> to
>> >> divorces.
>> >>
>> >> What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts
>> >> will
>> >> appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but
>> >> you
>> >> have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to
>> >> appoint
>> >> an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work
>> >> for
>> >> no
>> >> pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody
>> >> needs
>> >> to defend her right to see her daddy.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could
>> >> present
>> >> witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I don't
>> >> believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things
>> >> up.
>> >> In
>> >> her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though
>> >> is
>> >> that
>> >> the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that
>> >> the
>> >> standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they
>> >> sort
>> >> it
>> >> out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy,
>> >> in
>> >> his
>> >> home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.
>> >> She
>> >> needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight. I
>> >> also
>> >> believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent
>> >> to
>> >> which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a child
>> >> is
>> >> involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.
>> >> Lawyers
>> >> ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they resolve
>> >> cases
>> >> rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases
>> >> going
>> >> to
>> >> trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most
>> >> importantly,
>> >> lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should
>> >> be
>> >> held
>> >> to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
>> >> demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger to
>> >> their
>> >> clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good
>> >> judgment.
>> >> Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
>> >> withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with
>> >> actual
>> >> evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental rights.
>> >> In
>> >> other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it comes
>> >> to
>> >> children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption that
>> >> mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me
>> >> from
>> >> the
>> >> beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty
>> >> percent
>> >> custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where
>> >> she
>> >> should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be
>> >> dragged
>> >> into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think
>> >> that's
>> >> true
>> >> far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many father's
>> >> who
>> >> simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given
>> >> the
>> >> rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a
>> >> dad
>> >> who
>> >> continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to
>> >> late.
>> >>
>> >> Sincerely,
>> >>
>> >> Michael Bullis
>> >>
>> >> Work phone: 410-737-2604
>> >>
>> >> Cell: 443-992-1537
>> >>
>> >> Evening phone: 410-323-4884
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >> ----
>> >>
>> >>
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>> >> 4:06 PM
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