[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce

[kaye zimpher]

Hi Mike,
Well I'm sure you imagine that I am going to say pretty much what everyone 
else has said and for the most part that is true. I do however want to ask 
you, do you really think any of the accusations that have come up in your 
divorce would be there were you not blind? Dangerous and an alcoholic. Well 
you do not seem dangerous though you can't feel much pain through the 
computer and I can not testify to the alcoholism part. I do caution you 
however that if you do drink you may want to stop during this time. Stuff 
like that gets drug way out in left field during the divorce. You say in one 
of your later messages that you do not feel your problem is worth the 
resources especially since you created the problem. What you created is your 
daughter and she nor your blindness should ever be considered a "problem." 
She if nothing else is worth fighting for. I don't agree with those saying 
that your x-wife needs to come to convention to change. She will never 
change and truly that is ok. What is not ok is to treat another person badly 
based on her own prejudices. She agreed to have sex with you and she agreed 
further to keep the child so it is her responsibility as a mother to allow 
you to see her. You were not incapable during the creation so why are you 
now? You are going through a terrible time and if I and all of our members 
had another 17 grand to send you we would, but what you need now is 
confidence. Please fight this. I know I am rambling and I am sorry for that, 
but I am an adult who never really had a father because of a nasty divorce. 
There are many others out there like me.  If it happens in this case don't 
ever put yourself in a situation where you could look back and say " I did 
not do all I could." Good Luck and God Bless.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce


> We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their ability to
> care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even been
> some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind parents in
> such situations.  NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.  What
> most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes in
> family court.
>
>
>
> First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go there 
> are
> people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without an
> Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set up to
> help you.
>
>
>
> Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
> situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these lists.
>
> However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to others 
> so
> will tell my story at some length.
>
>
>
> This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my wife
> and I, I'll tell it that way.
>
>
>
> In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon.  I met a lady named 
> Kristen.
> At the time I was 49 and she was 39.  With very little knowledge about one
> another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that 
> included
> unprotected sex.  By March first we were aware that Kristen was pregnant.
> For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time most
> wonderful possibility in my heart.  Scary because I didn't know if I'd be 
> a
> good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed to 
> do,
> and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I wasn't 
> sure
> if I would really love my child like a father should.  Friends assured me
> that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just didn't
> know.
>
> What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared for 
> and
> that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
> Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and moved
> to Maryland to live with Kristen in May.  We were married in July.  I'd 
> like
> to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that time
> there were signs of trouble.  Four days before our marriage we had an hour
> long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through with 
> the
> marriage.  I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible 
> adults
> could work out anything.  So, on July 21st, we were married.
>
>
>
> Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002.  It was
> the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life.  I threw
> myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it 
> forever.
> My little girl never knew her daddy was blind.  I changed her diapers, 
> gave
> her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her.  She took over my heart 
> in
> a way that nothing ever had.  I always knew that if I had a child it could
> never be that the child would be my servant.  I wanted my blindness to be
> just something, like brown hair or blue eyes.  And it was that for 
> Julianna.
> Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy.  In fact, at
> first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her as 
> she
> approached two years old.  She said once, apparently after giving the 
> matter
> much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind.  I know it because you have
> eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity.  I told her that my 
> eyes
> didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy.  It was obvious she 
> didn't
> agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
>
>
>
> We walked in the neighborhood.  We played with neighbor kids.  I tucked 
> her
> in at night and kissed her in the morning.  A place in my heart was
> overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
>
>
>
> But, on the marriage front things were not going so well.  My wife and I,
> for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same ways. 
> By
> summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on,  in some
> form of counseling until the summer of 2006.  The simplest thing I can say
> about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work.  I think we both
> honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it didn't.
>
>
>
> The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a little
> past one.  My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which she
> asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away."  I told her that nobody 
> in
> the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter looking
> like a weirdo.  "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and stay
> close to her when we're out."  The next thing that came was a wrist strap
> which I was asked to use.  Again I said that it was unnecessary.  My wife
> called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna getting 
> away
> from me.  I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I ever
> felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were in a
> large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
>
>
>
> In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and disagreements
> about other issues came to a head and we separated.  I got an apartment in
> Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with our
> daughter at the house.  I provided financial support and we continued to
> attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
>
>
>
> At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living away
> from home.  She felt I should just say I was working hard and would be 
> home
> soon.  I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family home. 
> At
> some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to the
> ice cream shop.  Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was afraid
> of busses and their lack of safety.  She also didn't want me taking her in
> cabs because that too would be dangerous.
>
>
>
> By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had an
> apartment.  I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit.  She demurred,
> saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable with
> all of it.
>
>
>
> In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna that 
> we
> could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses.  My wife's
> response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here: "What
> frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for and
> protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my 
> trust
> (and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna faces
> no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations in the
> care of someone who cannot see.
>
> That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to your
>
> (considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make up for
> having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an object, 
> in
> this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your 
> grasp.
> This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions 
> and/or
> unfamiliar territory."
>
>
>
> "It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that if
> Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within the
> confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were to
> suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and angry
> at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if she
> should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our own
> house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of you,
> or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against straying 
> (she
> can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in the
> street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much less 
> your
> ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her from
> darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot continue
> to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone who 
> can
> see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue the
> pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
> because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
>
>
>
> I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive.  No, I didn't 
> stop
> Julianna from evading me at that age in the house.  I preferred to ignore
> the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.  That
> way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become more
> creative and desirous of hiding from me.  I think that whether I was 
> sighted
> or not, I would handle the situation that way.  Exerting control sets up a
> very adverse situation.  Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
> maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in 
> order
> that she not be in danger.
>
>
>
> But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were 
> fighting
> about I hoped.  My style when it comes to handling sighted people and 
> their
> concerns about my blindness is to show by example.  I could point out that
> thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children and so
> far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for any
> other children.  I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with 
> young
> children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were 
> blind
> kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids.  What became troublingly and
> dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
>
>
>
> Our separation continued and communication deteriorated.  I was still able
> to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it.  She couldn't come 
> to
> my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or feed
> her breakfast in the morning.  A year had gone by since our separation and
> still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my daughter.
>
>
>
> In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and physical
> custody.  What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce.  It's messy! 
> The
> grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk taking,
> dangerous, alcoholic.  Frankly, when I read all the things that were said
> about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to not
> believe at least some of it.  In fact, I believed much of it, although it
> was out of context and far out of proportion.  But, in the divorce game 
> the
> one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
>
>
>
> I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and realize
> that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were doing
> irreparable harm.  I also believed the courts would see this as well.
>
>
>
> So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and respond. 
> I
> knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to continue a
> long battle.  I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on but 
> that
> was pretty much it.
>
>
>
> But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
> "Daddy, didn't you care?  Did you fight for me?"  I had to answer, "yes,"
>
> and mean it.  My little girl has to know, when all is said and done that 
> her
> daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and that 
> he
> did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking the
> law.
>
>
>
> Court justice moves slowly.  The soonest we could get a hearing on the
> "facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007.  Meanwhile all visitations were
> in restaurants or public libraries.  I couldn't come to the family home
> because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my home 
> and
> be with me unsupervised.  Do I sound like a pedophile to you.  It's what I
> felt like.  Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have private
> communications or interactions with his daughter.
>
>
>
> Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called to 
> begin
> negotiating.  He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits 
> within
> four months.  He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics, not
> realities.  He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his.  I had
> people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to work
> with children.  I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify that 
> I
> was a capable and responsible parent.  No way did he want to go to court 
> on
> the issues of visitation.  Michael Jones was scheduled to come in from
> Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
> parenting.  In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's lawyer
> didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly negotiated 
> an
> agreement.
>
>
>
> Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I would 
> allow
> Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things that
> were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody wanted to
> give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly said
> "recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my 
> wife's
> lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement.  My
> wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my house
> and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to take
> place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600 
> trying
> to make things right, but, they never were.  Because of the way courts 
> work,
> I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to declare
> her in default of the agreement.  I have no money for this anymore.  In
> fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford one.
> Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon how my
> creditors choose to pursue payments.
>
>
>
> So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per week
> of supervised visits with my daughter.  Yes, she can now  come to my home,
> but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise.  Julianna now
> believes that I'm unsafe.  Apparently she's heard enough family talk to
> figure out that daddy is dangerous.
>
>
>
> I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man who 
> is
> being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about blindness.
> In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends upon
> money to gain any form of resolution.  Yes, there are nonprofit
> organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather than 
> the
> child.  If a female or her children are being abused, there is help. 
> Moving
> the case to the criminal side of things gets attention.  Legal Aid is for
> poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
> resources simply aren't adequate.
>
>
>
> Finally, men just aren't very pitiable.  We don't look like victims and
> often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes up.  I
> find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life go 
> by,
> always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next meeting 
> or
> in the next court action.
>
>
>
> The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
> blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other things.
>
> I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife.  I gave 
> her
> the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her if 
> she
> saw these things in me.  She said she'd be glad to come and testify on my
> behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
> marriage.  My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce cases 
> is
> pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it.  I
> mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
>
>
>
> The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of helping 
> with
> blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of the 
> case
> is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it will be 
> of
> little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever opponents 
> can
> mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes very
> expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer who
> makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially wins.
>
> Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases come 
> to
> trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it comes to
> divorces.
>
> What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side.  Usually courts will
> appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but you
> have to pay for that.  I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to 
> appoint
> an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work for 
> no
> pay.  Results are doubtful.  She is the real loser here and somebody needs
> to defend her right to see her daddy.
>
>
>
> All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could present
> witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am.  I don't
> believe, by the way, that my wife is lying.  She's not making things up. 
> In
> her own mind she really believes what she says.  What I think though is 
> that
> the courts ought to do what they say their mission is.  They say that the
> standard is the "best interests of the child."  I believe when they sort 
> it
> out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy, in 
> his
> home, unsupervised.  I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.  She
> needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight.  I 
> also
> believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent to
> which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a child is
> involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.  Lawyers
> ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they resolve 
> cases
> rather than prolong them.  A lawyer with a history of divorce cases going 
> to
> trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities.  Most 
> importantly,
> lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should be 
> held
> to a much higher standard than others.  They should be required to
> demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger to 
> their
> clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good 
> judgment.
> Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
> withholding visitation.  They should be required to justify with actual
> evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental rights.  In
> other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it comes to
> children.  Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption that
> mothers are better care-givers than fathers.  My lawyer advised me from 
> the
> beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty percent
> custody of Julianna.  Because she is with her mother, that is where she
> should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be dragged
> into court to do what's right by their children.  Sadly, I think that's 
> true
> far more often than it should be.  But, I have spoken to many father's who
> simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given the
> rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system.  I'm a dad 
> who
> continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to late.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Michael Bullis
>
> Work phone: 410-737-2604
>
> Cell: 443-992-1537
>
> Evening phone: 410-323-4884
>
>
>
>
>
>


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