[nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Ray Foret Jr
rforetjr at bellsouth.net
Wed Aug 8 14:53:55 CDT 2007
I hate to say this, but, even if his X wife came to one of our national
conventions, her hatred of blind people runs so deep it might not make any
difference. To put it bluntly, she thinks Mike is totally incompetent as a
person just because he's blind. She most likely rubbed it in his face every
chance she got and still gets. Worse yet, she's using their daughter to do
it. She not only hates Mike just because he's blind, most likely she hates
the rest of us too; especially if we're independent. It's clear that Mike
has made great efforts to be civil and win her over; but, equally clear is
the sad fact that he has thus far not succeeded in so doing. Mike did right
to bring his burden to us and he'll most likely have to take the best parts
of what ever advice we give him and go to war with her over this. As I said
before, we're family, and, we care deeply about each other. Hang in there
man.
Sincerely yours,
The Constantly Barefooted,
Ray
Home phone and fax:
(985)853-0139
E-mail:
rforetjratbellsouthdotnet
Skype Name:
barefootedray
Blog:
www.raysworld.blogs.com
Podcast .rss Feed:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/worldofray
God bless President George W. Bush!
God bless our troops!
and God bless America
----- Original Message -----
From: "Powers, Terry (NIH/OD/DEAS) [E]" <powerst at dcpcepn.nci.nih.gov>
To: "NFB Talk Mailing List" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 7:38 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike;
Has your wife ever been to convention? It sounds to me like she needs
to see a group of blind and sighted people functioning as a group. She
needs to meet other people who are blind with sighted children and see
that it can be done. If anything, as your daughter gets older, she will
be an asset to you. She can tell you about what store it is... Does
your wife have anything against you using a cane. What does your
daughter think of it?
My husband thinks I can see better than I can. He has no
interest in the NFB. He will take me to the meetings but just sits and
plays cards. As of now, I only use a cane when I am alone in unknown
places. As my sight gets worse, he is going to have to accept my using
of the cane all the time. He expects me to follow the waiter to a table
instead of taking the lead himself. This shows you, you are not the
only one with a nonacceptant spouce.
I come from a large family of adopted children so I have great sympathy
for your situation. I sure hope the NFB will be able to help you.
My prayers are with you that she can be shown that blind people can live
normal and productive lives. We just do things a little different, but
we get the task done.
Good luck.
Terry Powers
powerst at mail.nih.gov
-----Original Message-----
From: Cindy Handel [mailto:cindy425 at verizon.net]
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:45 AM
To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Mike,
I read your original message and Sherry's response. I tend to agree
with
her, but can see your position, too, that there are many more things,
other
than blindness, involved. I feel very badly for you and wish you the
best.
It does seem, however, that this is largely due to your blindness. Your
X-wife has a basic distrust of blindness...she doesn't want to believe
that
you can do things as well as she can. So, she's creating barriers,
which
really don't exist. I wish there was something you could do to change
her
view of blindness, but that really doesn't seem likely.I do realize that
the
NFB's resources are limited. But, I do hope you can get some help. The
custody issue does seem to be largely about blindness. I'm really very
sorry for you.
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 6:03 AM
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Hi Sherri:
Thanks so much for your suggestions and personal encouragement. At
times
like this it means a lot to me.
Yes, Dr. Maurer is familiar with the situation. It's difficult though.
As
I tried to indicate in the email, NFB is able to help with blindness
related
costs and I am very grateful for that. Unfortunately, in a divorce with
an
aggressive lawyer, much isn't related to divorce. Much is simply
related to
virtually any act or deed one might have ever engaged in that made the
other
party upset. For example. There is an opportunity in every case for
both
sides to ask questions of one another about virtually anything. There
are
standard questions which mostly relate to finances and then there are
questions that relate to the cause of the divorce.
My wife responded to what I thought were fairly simple questions in
order to
understand our relative financial situations with seven thousand pages
of
so-called evidence. It was completely unorganized and for all I know,
it
still is. My lawyer, being conscientious, had to go through the entire
seven thousand pages and evaluate it page by page for it's relevance to
the
divorce. That costs tons of money.
I'm not sure we want NFB to pay for such brutal and pointless tactics.
As I
also indicated, I am accused of many things, which, though they're taken
out
of context and frankly irrelevant, they must each be dealt with as the
accusations they represent. This case, in terms of my personal legal
fees
has cost me about $17,000. The NFB has spent $3,400 or there abouts.
Before it is over, my costs will double or triple, which I simply can't
afford.
In a broader sense though, I'm not sure I want the money of NFB's
members
used to defend such irrelevant accusations. Dr. Maurer has to make
tough
decisions like these and I don't envy him the task. Not all things in
life
are simple and this is, unfortunately, one of them.
Mike
-----Original Message-----
From: nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nfb-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
Behalf Of Sherri
Sent: Wednesday, August 08, 2007 2:25 AM
To: mabullis at hotmail.com; NFB Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
Michael,
Though you say that much of this situation does not have to do with
blindness or rather with your ex-wife's problems with your blindness, it
really does. I would still think the NFB would support you in your
desire to
get more liberal visitation with your daughter.
Have you sent this e-mail to President Maurer? If so, what is his
opinion?
Perhaps Barbara Cheadle would be a good person to talk with about your
situation.
I have known several blind fathers who have primary custody of their
children. One of these got custody of his little boy when the child was
an
infant, because his wife walked out on them. He had to jump through a
lot of
hoops for it to happen though.
You seem to be a very caring and devoted father who has made the
mistake, as
I have, of thinking that people are decent and will play by your rules.
Not
true!
I hope you have success and will get good advice about how to deal with
your
problem. Know that you were there for your daughter when she was little
and
she will always love you no matter what.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Michael Bullis" <mabullis at hotmail.com>
To: "'NFB Talk Mailing List'" <nfb-talk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 8:43 PM
Subject: [nfb-talk] Blind Parents and Divorce
We have all heard about blind parents being questioned in their ability
to
care for their children by social workers or spouses. There have even
been
some notable cases in which courts have ruled in favor of blind parents
in
such situations. NFB has been instrumental in many of these cases.
What
most of us little understand though is how complex the matter becomes in
family court.
First of all, family court is civil court. The only people who go there
are
people with money. For all practical purposes, you can't go without an
Attorney and unless you're very poor there are no organizations set up
to
help you.
Many of you don't know me well, and frankly, if it weren't for this
situation, I would prefer to leave my personal life outside these lists.
However, I find myself in a situation which may well be common to others
so
will tell my story at some length.
This story is really about my daughter, but, since it begins with my
wife
and I, I'll tell it that way.
In January of 2002 I lived in Portland Oregon. I met a lady named
Kristen.
At the time I was 49 and she was 39. With very little knowledge about
one
another we had what one could describe as a whirlwind romance that
included
unprotected sex. By March first we were aware that Kristen was
pregnant.
For me, having a child was always the most scary and at the same time
most
wonderful possibility in my heart. Scary because I didn't know if I'd
be a
good father, didn't know if I could do all the things a father needed to
do,
and honestly, because I really didn't like being around kids, I wasn't
sure
if I would really love my child like a father should. Friends assured
me
that such things were the fears of all would-be fathers but I just
didn't
know.
What was important to me was that my child would be loved and cared for
and
that I would be everything a father should be. I quit my job as the
Assistant to the Director of the Oregon Commission for the Blind and
moved
to Maryland to live with Kristen in May. We were married in July. I'd
like
to tell you that the romance was still thriving, but, even by that time
there were signs of trouble. Four days before our marriage we had an
hour
long argument in which she gave me the option of not going through with
the
marriage. I didn't take the option, assuming that we, as responsible
adults
could work out anything. So, on July 21st, we were married.
Julianna Michaela Humphrey Bullis was born on October 31st, 2002. It
was
the most wonderful, stunning, life changing moment of my life. I threw
myself into parenting like I had always loved it and would love it
forever.
My little girl never knew her daddy was blind. I changed her diapers,
gave
her bottles, dressed her, bathed her and fed her. She took over my
heart in
a way that nothing ever had. I always knew that if I had a child it
could
never be that the child would be my servant. I wanted my blindness to
be
just something, like brown hair or blue eyes. And it was that for
Julianna.
Because she never knew any different, daddy was just daddy. In fact, at
first she never believed I was blind, even when I explained it to her as
she
approached two years old. She said once, apparently after giving the
matter
much consideration, "Daddy, you're not blind. I know it because you
have
eyes." Hey, how can you argue with such simplicity. I told her that my
eyes
didn't work, much like when she had a broken toy. It was obvious she
didn't
agree because she just looked at me and went on playing.
We walked in the neighborhood. We played with neighbor kids. I tucked
her
in at night and kissed her in the morning. A place in my heart was
overflowing with the love I had never known could exist.
But, on the marriage front things were not going so well. My wife and
I,
for a variety of reasons, simply didn't relate to life in the same ways.
By
summer of 2003 we began marriage counseling and were, off and on, in
some
form of counseling until the summer of 2006. The simplest thing I can
say
about the counseling was that it didn't seem to work. I think we both
honestly tried to do everything we could to make it work, but it didn't.
The issue of blindness began rearing it's head when Julianna was a
little
past one. My wife purchased a harness with a strap on the back which
she
asked me to use so Julianna wouldn't "get away." I told her that nobody
in
the neighborhood used such a thing and I didn't want our daughter
looking
like a weirdo. "Besides," I said, "I can always hold her hand and stay
close to her when we're out." The next thing that came was a wrist
strap
which I was asked to use. Again I said that it was unnecessary. My
wife
called in her parents who described their fears about Julianna getting
away
from me. I told them that I respected their concerns and that if I ever
felt that Julianna was in danger I would use the strap, or, if I were in
a
large crowd, I could see some merit to it.
In September of 2005, the parallel paths of blindness and disagreements
about other issues came to a head and we separated. I got an apartment
in
Charles Village, a neighborhood of Baltimore, and my wife stayed with
our
daughter at the house. I provided financial support and we continued to
attempt reconciliation, both through personal and joint counseling.
At first, my wife asked me not to tell our daughter that I was living
away
from home. She felt I should just say I was working hard and would be
home
soon. I did see Julianna two or three times per week at the family
home. At
some points I suggested that Julianna and I might go on a bus trip to
the
ice cream shop. Kristen became very uncomfortable and said she was
afraid
of busses and their lack of safety. She also didn't want me taking her
in
cabs because that too would be dangerous.
By January of 2006 Julianna had figured out on her own that daddy had an
apartment. I asked Kristen to allow her to come and visit. She
demurred,
saying that she just needed a little more time to become comfortable
with
all of it.
In April of 2006 things came to a head when I suggested to Julianna that
we
could go on a bus ride because she was asking about busses. My wife's
response in this email was clear and to the point. I quote it here:
"What
frightens and makes me, Mom and Dad mistrust your ability to care for
and
protect her, in addition to all the ways in which you have damaged my
trust
(and by extension theirs') is your arrogant insistence that Julianna
faces
no ADDITIONAL peril or jeopardy in potentially dangerous situations in
the
care of someone who cannot see.
That is absurd, and no amount of political correctness with regard to
your
(considerable) skills and abilities despite your blindness can make up
for
having the additional sense of sight when it comes to locating an
object, in
this case an erratic, extremely quick toddler, that has alluded your
grasp.
This is most especially true in any type of noisy, crowded conditions
and/or
unfamiliar territory."
"It is not a matter of subjectivity, Mike. We have all observed that if
Julianna wants to evade you, she can do so quite effectively within the
confines of OUR HOUSE. So what could the consequences be if she were to
suddenly become restless, frustrated, tired of waiting, stubborn and
angry
at a bus stop on a street where cars are speeding past? Or even if she
should decide to chase a stray ball into the street in front of our own
house? You cannot continue to pretend that she cannot wriggle free of
you,
or that she is not capable of defying your admonitions against straying
(she
can suddenly decide to check out a speck glinting in the sunlight in the
street, that to her is a previously undiscovered treasure!), much less
your
ability to recapture her in the split second necessary to keep her from
darting in front of a car if she were to wriggle free. You cannot
continue
to insist that your ability to recapture her is the same as someone who
can
see precisely where she is and where to grab her. You cannot continue
the
pretense that your abilities ARE the same or equal, merely different,
because the stakes are just too high: your daughter's very life."
I could make many responses , but they feel so defensive. No, I didn't
stop
Julianna from evading me at that age in the house. I preferred to
ignore
the behavior, acting as though I didn't want to find her sometimes.
That
way I wouldn't set up a challenge situation in which she would become
more
creative and desirous of hiding from me. I think that whether I was
sighted
or not, I would handle the situation that way. Exerting control sets up
a
very adverse situation. Now, when it comes to being out in public, I
maintained much stricter control, without letting Julianna know it in
order
that she not be in danger.
But, at least the cards were on the table and we knew what we were
fighting
about I hoped. My style when it comes to handling sighted people and
their
concerns about my blindness is to show by example. I could point out
that
thousands of blind people have successfully raised sighted children and
so
far as the numbers go, there are no more incidents of injury than for
any
other children. I tried unsuccessfully to point out that I work with
young
children as a part of my job, but it was dismissed because those were
blind
kids who couldn't run away like sighted kids. What became troublingly
and
dismayingly apparent was that no amount of convincing would work.
Our separation continued and communication deteriorated. I was still
able
to visit Julianna at the family home but that was it. She couldn't come
to
my home and so I continued to not be able to tuck her in at night or
feed
her breakfast in the morning. A year had gone by since our separation
and
still, my heart was breaking because I couldn't just be with my
daughter.
In August, my wife filed for divorce asking for full legal and physical
custody. What I discovered was a sad truth about divorce. It's messy!
The
grounds were that I was abusive, that I was an irresponsible, risk
taking,
dangerous, alcoholic. Frankly, when I read all the things that were
said
about me I started to realize how difficult it would be for anyone to
not
believe at least some of it. In fact, I believed much of it, although
it
was out of context and far out of proportion. But, in the divorce game
the
one who accuses the most is the one with the best chance of winning.
I still believed though that Kristen would come to her senses and
realize
that nobody should keep their child from her daddy and that we were
doing
irreparable harm. I also believed the courts would see this as well.
So, after she filed for divorce, I too, had to find a lawyer and
respond. I
knew going in, as did everyone else, that I had little money to continue
a
long battle. I had one credit card that I could run up $20,000 on but
that
was pretty much it.
But, I made the decision that when my daughter got older and asked me
"Daddy, didn't you care? Did you fight for me?" I had to answer,
"yes,"
and mean it. My little girl has to know, when all is said and done that
her
daddy loved her with all his heart and wants her to be with him and that
he
did everything humanly possible to make that happen without breaking the
law.
Court justice moves slowly. The soonest we could get a hearing on the
"facts" of the matter was March 12th 2007. Meanwhile all visitations
were
in restaurants or public libraries. I couldn't come to the family home
because I was dangerous and Julianna certainly couldn't come to my home
and
be with me unsupervised. Do I sound like a pedophile to you. It's what
I
felt like. Some kind of criminal who couldn't be trusted to have
private
communications or interactions with his daughter.
Three or four days before the March hearing my wife's lawyer called to
begin
negotiating. He agreed to a plan that would lead to week-end visits
within
four months. He knew that all the accusations were simply tactics, not
realities. He also knew that my witness list would overwelm his. I had
people willing to testify about my character and about my ability to
work
with children. I also had former neighbors who were ready to testify
that I
was a capable and responsible parent. No way did he want to go to court
on
the issues of visitation. Michael Jones was scheduled to come in from
Atlanta, paid for by the NFB, to deal with broader matters of blind
parenting. In other words, when the chips were down, my wife's lawyer
didn't want to go to court about these matters and so quickly negotiated
an
agreement.
Among the stipulations in the agreement was one that said that I would
allow
Kristen to "inspect" my house and make "recommendations" about things
that
were unsafe. I'm a bachelor now and felt that any advice anybody wanted
to
give was useful so, I agreed, particularly since the language clearly
said
"recommendations". What I discovered, after the hearing, was that my
wife's
lawyer had no intention of encouraging her to follow the agreement. My
wife's position was that she could make lists of problems within my
house
and that I must fix them all in order for any meaningful visits to take
place. No matter what I fixed, there were more problems. I spent $600
trying
to make things right, but, they never were. Because of the way courts
work,
I would have to take her back to court in order to get a judge to
declare
her in default of the agreement. I have no money for this anymore. In
fact, I've had to terminate my Attorney because I simply can't afford
one.
Bankruptcy is likely for me in the next few months, depending upon how
my
creditors choose to pursue payments.
So, here we come up on two years and I effectively have two hours per
week
of supervised visits with my daughter. Yes, she can now come to my
home,
but only if Kristen or her parents are here to supervise. Julianna now
believes that I'm unsafe. Apparently she's heard enough family talk to
figure out that daddy is dangerous.
I don't know what to say. In one sense, my story is about a blind man
who is
being discriminated against because of the misconceptions about
blindness.
In another sense, it's the story of family court justice that depends
upon
money to gain any form of resolution. Yes, there are nonprofit
organizations available but they usually focus on the parent rather than
the
child. If a female or her children are being abused, there is help.
Moving
the case to the criminal side of things gets attention. Legal Aid is
for
poor people but even legal Aid doesn't do many divorces because their
resources simply aren't adequate.
Finally, men just aren't very pitiable. We don't look like victims and
often stay silent for far to long when this kind of situation comes up.
I
find it hard to believe that I've let two years of my daughter's life go
by,
always believing that things will resolve themselves at the next meeting
or
in the next court action.
The difficulty with this case is that, although it revolves around
blindness, like many divorces, it also revolves around many other
things.
I questioned my own sanity at one point and contacted my X-wife. I gave
her
the allegations of my abusiveness and angry tendencies and asked her if
she
saw these things in me. She said she'd be glad to come and testify on
my
behalf that I had never even raised my voice to her in our eight year
marriage. My lawyer told me that having X-wives testify in divorce
cases is
pretty much not done but, if I have the chance I'll ask her to do it. I
mean, if anybody should have bad things to say it would be her.
The NFB has taken on cases like mine, but only to the extent of helping
with
blindness related issues. In my case, about twenty-five percent of the
case
is blindness related. NFB was/is willing to pay for that, but, it will
be of
little value if I can't afford the other 75 percent. If clever opponents
can
mask their true concerns behind other subterfuge, the case becomes very
expensive. Divorce court is a very sleazy and messy place. The lawyer
who
makes the most accusations and breaks the other party financially wins.
Although the best interests of the child is the standard, few cases come
to
trial and no lawyer is censured for bare knuckle fighting when it comes
to
divorces.
What my daughter needs is an Attorney for her side. Usually courts will
appoint somebody to represent the child's interests if requested, but
you
have to pay for that. I'm asking for the Baltimore County Courts to
appoint
an Attorney for Julianna but also have to ask that the Attorney work for
no
pay. Results are doubtful. She is the real loser here and somebody
needs
to defend her right to see her daddy.
All I have ever wanted was to get to a court-room in which I could
present
witnesses to refute their accusations and vouch for who I am. I don't
believe, by the way, that my wife is lying. She's not making things up.
In
her own mind she really believes what she says. What I think though is
that
the courts ought to do what they say their mission is. They say that
the
standard is the "best interests of the child." I believe when they sort
it
out, the best interests for my daughter involve being with her daddy, in
his
home, unsupervised. I believe she needs a daddy to go fishing with.
She
needs a daddy to wake her up in the morning and kiss her goodnight. I
also
believe that lawyers like my wife's should be evaluated on the extent to
which they truly seek to find resolution to family cases. When a child
is
involved, the usual attack and attack rules ought to be changed.
Lawyers
ought to be given public scrutiny for the extent to which they resolve
cases
rather than prolong them. A lawyer with a history of divorce cases
going to
trial ought to be evaluated on his negotiating abilities. Most
importantly,
lawyers who take on divorce cases where children are involved should be
held
to a much higher standard than others. They should be required to
demonstrate that they counseled their client on the possible danger to
their
clients' children of anger over the divorce interfering with good
judgment.
Or, allowing their anger over a marriage gone bad to interfere with
withholding visitation. They should be required to justify with actual
evidence which they have evaluated, any limitation of parental rights.
In
other words, the courts ought to hold to a high standard when it comes
to
children. Finally, courts need to move away from the presumption that
mothers are better care-givers than fathers. My lawyer advised me from
the
beginning, that I would have little or no chance of gaining fifty
percent
custody of Julianna. Because she is with her mother, that is where she
should stay. I think that we often think of dads as having to be dragged
into court to do what's right by their children. Sadly, I think that's
true
far more often than it should be. But, I have spoken to many father's
who
simply say that they were being asked to pay but weren't being given the
rights of parents so they just rebelled and quit the system. I'm a dad
who
continues to pay but who wants to be his girl's daddy before it's to
late.
Sincerely,
Michael Bullis
Work phone: 410-737-2604
Cell: 443-992-1537
Evening phone: 410-323-4884
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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