[Blindtlk] a profound tragedy

Fri Feb 22 18:16:18 CST 2008

I'm usually quiet on this list, but this thread touched a chord with me.  My
father, from whom I inherited my blindness, died when I was 5 years old.  I
was an only child raised by my mother.  Like the parents described in this
sad situation, my mother was also overprotective, and did everything she
could to sabotage my personal independence and make me utterly dependent on
her.  She did this not out of love, but from her own mental illness.  She
had no thought of my well-being, doing nothing to help me learn survival
skills.  She was a deeply fearful person who expected me to cater to her
emotional needs and buffer her from life's vicissitudes.  

Luckily, I had enough drive to escape her grasp.  But the scars are very
deep and have haunted me all my adult life.  I have unfounded fears of
abandonment and lack of confidence in the independence I have accomplished. 

The irony is this:  Now my mother is elderly and unable to care for herself.
But I long ago moved to a distant place.  She begs me to move home and take
care of her, but the scars in my psyche, the fears of losing control of my
independence again, and other complicating factors prevent me from being
there to help her in her time of need.

This is not vindictive.  I've long ago come to terms with how she raised me
so far as forgiving her and accepting her as she is.  But her negative
impact on my life, the very scars she created in an effort to keep me under
her control for her own needs, have become the ripened fruit that prevents
me from helping her.  This is sorrowful for both of us.

I'm envious of persons who have healthy parents who are nurturing, give
solace for the inevitable obstacles and frustrations, and promote
independence in their children.  It's hard for me even to imagine what that
kind of family would be like.  But I truly hope those who say this situation
is relatively rare are correct.  I wouldn't wish this kind of upbringing on
anyone. 

Terry Vanzetti

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Kirk Harmon
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 2:00 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] a profound tragedy

I agree with you. However in this particular incident, I feel that it was 
mental illness rather than anything else. What you just nemtioned is another

topic and worth debating about however. Kirk
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "seville allen" <ceoallen at verizon.net>
To: "'NFBnet Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 1:15 PM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] a profound tragedy

>I know too many people who are blind who ended up in nursing homes because
> their parents met their own needs rather than those of the blind 
> offspring.
> Fortunately, this happens less often than it used to, but more than any of
> us would want to believe is fact.
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Kirk Harmon
> Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 11:37 AM
> To: NFBnet Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] a profound tragedy
>
> I agree with your assessment about the Parents being selfish and
> overprotective . However, I don't believe that it would of mattered what
> kind of issue, if any, their child had that it would of stopped them from
> being controlling and overprotective of her. It sounds to me like this
> Father was mentally ill and had been for quite some time.   I believe the
> true issue here is his mental condition more so than the blindness of his
> Daughter and ow he was concerned about how she would cope when he was 
> gone.
> good thing about this very sad situation to me is that it is a rare
> occurance and not the overall mentality of society and how they look at
> their family members with blindness. Kirk Harmon
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "seville allen" <ceoallen at verizon.net>
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>;
> <our-safe-haven at googlegroups.com>
> Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 11:08 AM
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] a profound tragedy
>
>
>> Yes, a profound tragedy and what makes it, to me, even more tragic is 
>> that
>> those parents were meeting their needs and not the needs of their blind
>> daughter.  I consider this type of selfishness abuse, but the authorities
>> would "admire" the devotion" of such "giving parents.  I say hogwash,
>> selfishness and sadly the failure of any tuype of intervention to save
>> those
>> parents from their guilt and inappropriate behavior regarding blindness.
>> A
>> total system failure; and this happens over, over and over...... We've
>> made
>> a lot of progress and have just as far if not further to go!
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>> Behalf Of Sherri
>> Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 8:04 AM
>> To: Multiple recipients of NFBnet Blind-Talk Mailing List;
>> our-safe-haven at googlegroups.com
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] a profound tragedy
>>
>> In this day and age with all the information out there, with 
>> organizations
>> such as the National Federation of the Blind, I find the following to be 
>> a
>> heartbreaking tragedy.
>>
>> Sherri
>>
>> Not Much Fun
>>
>> LIKE MOST EVERYONE ELSE, ALMOST ANY TIME I HEAR OF A TRAGEDY, THE
>> FIRST REACTION THAT ENTERS MY MIND OR CROSSES MY LIPS CONSISTS OF THE
>> WORD-WHY?  VERY OFTEN, HOWEVER, THE QUESTION WHY JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.
>>
>>
>>
>> THE TRAGEDY THAT HAS RECENTLY GRIPPED MY ATTENTION HAPPENED DURING
>> THE THIRD WEEK IN JANUARY IN DREXEL HILL, PENNSYLVANIA ABOUT SIX
>> MILES FROM CENTER CITY, PHILADELPHIA.  FIFTY-THREE YEAR-OLD BARBARA
>> KILLIAN -- BLINDED FROM AN ACCIDENT WHEN SHE WAS A BABY -- AND HER
>> LITTLE WHITE LAP DOG A-ROD DIED IN THE BASEMENT OF THEIR HOME BY THE
>> HAND OF BARBARA'S EIGHTY-FOUR-YEAR-OLD FATHER ROBERT KILLIAN WHO THEN
>> TURNED THE GUN ON HIMSELF.  MR. KILLIAN HAD JUST BEEN RELEASED FROM A
>> LOCAL HOSPITAL HAVING BEEN TREATED FOR ADVANCED CARDIOVASCULAR
>> DISEASE.  CONVINCED THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE, MR. KILLIAN
>> APPARENTLY BELIEVED HE HAD TO PROVIDE A PERMANENT SOLUTION FOR WHAT
>> HE PERCEIVED WOULD BE BARBARA'S TROUBLES IN HIS EARTHLY
>> ABSENCE.  THUS, BELIEVING, AS HE DID, THAT BARBARA WOULD BE BOTH
>> ALONE AND HELPLESS IN THE WORLD, HE DECIDED THAT HER LIFE SHOULD END
>> WITH HIS.  SO, SOMETIME BETWEEN TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, WHEN KILLIAN WAS
>> RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL, AND SATURDAY EVENING, JANUARY 19 AT SIX
>> PM, ROBERT KILLIAN SHOT BARBARA, THEIR LITTLE DOG, AND HIMSELF TO
>> DEATH IN THE BASEMENT OF THEIR HOME ON CHESWOLD ROAD.
>>
>> ACCORDING TO THE SUM OF ALL REPORTS OUT OF DREXEL HILL,
>> PENNSYLVANIA:  BARBARA AND ROBERT KILLIAN HAD LIVED ALONE SINCE THE
>> DEATH OF SHIRLEY, BARBARA'S MOTHER AND ROBERT'S WIFE, IN 2001; THE
>> KILLIANS "MINDED THEIR OWN BUSINESS"; ROBERT KILLIAN WAS EXTREMELY
>> PROTECTIVE OF BARBARA; AND, FINALLY, THERE WAS A LOT OF LOVE IN THE
>> KILLIAN HOME AS EVIDENCED BY MR. KILLIAN'S CONSTANT DEVOTION TO BARBARA.
>>
>> SO THERE YOU HAVE IT: THE WHO, THE WHAT, THE WHERE, THE WHEN, AND,
>> SUPERFICIALLY, THE WHY OF THE STORY. SURELY, HOWEVER, KNOWLEDGE OF
>> THESE GUIDELINES WHICH EVERY NEWS REPORTER KNOWS BRINGS ONE NO
>> SATISFACTION.  IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, PERHAPS YOU NEED TO PAUSE
>> AND TAKE IT ALL IN BEFORE READING ON.
>>
>> IN THE EMOTIONAL WAKE THAT OCCURS AS ONE LEARNS OF THIS TRAGEDY,
>> THERE IS THE NATURAL TENDENCY TO BE OUTRAGED, NOT ONLY WITH KILLIAN'S
>> MURDER OF HIS DAUGHTER, BUT EVEN MORE WITH WHAT WAS CLEARLY HIS
>> DEMEANING ATTITUDE ABOUT BARBARA'S VERY EXISTENCE AS A PERSON WITH
>> BLINDNESS.  THERE ARE REPORTS THAT NEIGHBORS CALLED AREA SOCIAL
>> SERVICES FROM TIME TO TIME TO COMPLAIN THAT BARBARA WAS BEING "HELD
>> CAPTIVE" BY HER PARENTS IN HER HOME, THE RESPONSE TO WHICH CAUSED THE
>> KILLIANS TO RETREAT FURTHER INTO SECLUSION WITH THEIR
>> DAUGHTER.  INEVITABLY, ONE WONDERS WHAT EXACTLY WENT ON IN THAT
>> HOUSEHOLD UPON MR. KILLIAN'S JANUARY 15TH RETURN FROM THE
>> HOSPITAL.  HOW LONG HAD ROBERT KILLIAN CONTEMPLATED THIS IRREVOCABLE
>> DEED?  WHAT RELIGIOUS OR MORAL MATTERS DID MR. KILLIAN CONSIDER
>> BEFORE TAKING BARBARA TO THE BASEMENT OF THEIR HOME TO MEET HER
>> DEATH?  DID KILLIAN TELL BARBARA IN ADVANCE OF HIS INTENTION OR WAS
>> THERE A REASONED OR EVEN GENTLE PRETEXT TO THE BASEMENT VISIT?  DID
>> ROBERT KILLIAN SEE HIS ACT AS ONE OF LOVE OR ONE OF DESPAIR?
>>
>> INFORMATION OUT OF GREATER PHILADELPHIA REGARDING BARBARA KILLIAN'S
>> EXISTENCE IS SKETCHY BUT STILL REVEALING.  A 1973 GRADUATE OF
>> OVERBROOK SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND,   ALEX RODRIGUEZ WHOM SHE HAD MET THROUGH
>> AN
>> ORGANIZATION FOR THE
>> BLIND.  THUS, SHE NAMED HER LITTLE DOG A-ROD.
>>
>> WHAT HAPPENED TO BARBARA KILLIAN HAS TO BE VERY PERSONAL ON SOME
>> LEVEL TO EVERYONE WHO LIVES WITH A DISABILITY-ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO
>> LIVE WITH BLINDNESS.  ALL OF US, WHETHER BORN ABLE-BODIED OR
>> DISABLED, ARE VULNERABLE TO OUR PARENTS' INDIVIDUAL ENVIRONMENTS,
>> VALUES, AND ATTITUDES.  EVEN MORE RELEVANT TO THE KILLIAN FAMILY
>> TRAGEDY IS THE STRONG PARENTAL INSTINCT, THE OVERWHELMING NEED TO
>> PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FROM THE WORLD'S MANY OUTRAGES.
>>
>> WHILE WE'RE CERTAINLY JUSTIFIED IN OUR RIGHTEOUS ANGER TOWARD ROBERT
>> KILLIAN, THAT ANGER ALONE IS AS DESTRUCTIVE TO YOU AND ME AS
>> KILLIAN'S THIRTY-EIGHT CALIBER PISTOL WAS TO BARBARA.  IT WOULD BE
>> MORE HELPFUL, I THINK, FOR US ALL TO RE-EXAMINE WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE
>> AND PROTECT ONE ANOTHER AS WELL AS ONE'S CHILDREN.
>>
>> IT WOULD BE ARROGANT FOR ANY OF US TO QUESTION MR. KILLIAN'S LOVE FOR
>> HIS DAUGHTER.  HOWEVER, ROBERT AND SHIRLEY KILLIAN'S LOVE FOR BARBARA
>> WAS CLEARLY MISDIRECTED AS EVIDENCED BY THEIR DECISION TO REJECT A
>> COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP, CHOOSING TO HAVE HER STAY AT HOME INSTEAD OF
>> BROADENING HER HORIZONS.  THEIR LEGITIMATE MISSION WAS TO PROTECT HER
>> LIFE AND TO EMPOWER OTHERS TO ENSURE HER SECURITY AFTER THEY WERE
>> GONE.  IT'S QUITE APPARENT THAT MR. KILLIAN WAS MORE OVERWHELMED BY
>> HIS FEARS THAN HE WAS SUSTAINED BY "THE BETTER ANGELS OF HIS NATURE."
>>
>> NOTHING WE CAN SAY OR WRITE, NO WISH WE CAN WISH, NO PRAYER WE MAY
>> PRAY CAN UNDO WHAT WAS DONE TO BARBARA KILLIAN BY HER FATHER.    LOVE
>> IS A POWERFUL FORCE.  AS SUCH IT CAN NURTURE, SUSTAIN, ENCOURAGE, AND
>> THEREFORE FOSTER GROWTH AND EVEN GREATER LOVE.  HOWEVER, IF LOVE IS
>> ADMINISTERED WITH JEALOUSY OR FEAR, IT CAN DESTROY.  IT APPEARS THAT
>> THE KILLIANS' POWERFUL LOVE FOR BARBARA WENT AWRY AND, HENCE, IT
>> DESTROYED.
>>
>> SADLY, ROBERT KILLIAN BELIEVED THAT THE WORLD WASN'T SUFFICIENTLY
>> TRUSTWORTHY TO MATCH HIS LOVE FOR BARBARA, HENCE HE TOOK HER WITH HIM
>> FOR HER OWN PROTECTION.
>>
>> HAPPILY, MOST OF US KNOW THAT THE WORLD IS WORTHY BECAUSE YOU AND I
>> ARE WORTHY OF THE KIND OF LOVE THAT SUSTAINS AND NURTURES.
>>
>> SO, IN THE WORDS OF A HIT SONG FROM THE 1970S:  "LET YOUR LOVE FLOW."
>>
>> RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
>>
>> EDWIN COONEY
>>
>> IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE FURTHER COLUMNS FROM MR. COONEY, WRITE
>> TO HIM AT
>> EDWINCOONEY at SBCGLOBAL.NET
>> AND ASK HIM TO PUT YOU ON HIS LIST.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Sherri
>>
>> sbrun at cfl.rr.com
>>
>> TO DONATE YOUR USED CELL PHONE AND CHANGE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BLIND IN
>> CENTRAL FLORIDA go to:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Whether we succeed or fail in what we do is not the essential thing.
>>
>> What is important is the heart with which we live our lives.
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
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>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk
>>
>
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