
The Q&A Man from PC-Computing Goes Insane
By: Vincent B. Navarino

I always wondered what would happen if one of the Q&A guys from
PC-Computing or other computer magazines snapped after answering too
many of other people's silly PC questions (and they printed it).  So,
with that in mind . . . read on.

Q&A - With Bill "Had it up to Here" Louie

Q: I am trying to get a venerable original 4.77Mhz
IBM PC to accept a 1.44 floppy.  Can you help?

A: Yes.  Simply get a 1.44 floppy controller that
has an on-board BIOS chip.  The chip will override
your PC's addled brains, fooling it to think it's
worthy enough to run such equipment.


Q: I have a 386SX with 1 meg of RAM and I keep
getting 'Insufficient memory' messages from
Windows.  What can I do?

A: Keep adding more RAM.  Eventually the message
will stop, or you'll run out of money.


Q: I am running a program on an IBM 386DX/40 and
it keeps asking me to "Hit any key to continue."
Which key is the *ANY* key?

A: To locate the any key, you must first get
inside your computer.  Remove the screws on your
computer's case and open the cover.  Look inside.
See the big green board with circuits all over it?
Notice the little grey square that says
AMD-386DX40?  Using a magnetized screwdriver,  pry
the chip out of it's plastic holder.  It's under
there.


Q:What is the best way to optimize my config.sys
and autoexec.bat files?

A: At the C:> prompt, type DEL *.*


Q: What is the easiest way to convert my venerable
AT to a 486?

A: Remove the old 286 chip from the motherboard
and put the 486 chip in it's place.  It may look
to you that it won't fit, but with a large enough
hammer, it should.


Q: Do you know a program I can run when starting
my computer so that the NumLock key stays off?

A: I am SO sick of answering that question. Shut
up!


Q: I'm trying to port over spreadsheets from Excel
to Lotus 1-2-3 and I am having trouble.  How can I
do this?

A: Buy Lotus, jerk.


Q: Can I load SmartDrive high?

A: I don't know, can you?


Q: I own an HP Vectra 486/33Mhz VLB computer with
16meg of RAM, a SCSI-2 1.2gig Hard Drive and a
Sound Blaster Pro 16 sound card.  Recently I added
10Mbit/second Ethernet cards to it and my Compaq
Prolinea 4/25s and hooked both machines up using
Novell Netware 3.1 and all of a sudden my Sound
Blaster Pro 16 doesn't work anymore and both
machines hang.  What's the problem?

A: Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
I DON'T CARE!!!!!  SHUUUTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!

Why don't you pathetic people start writing to
Dvorak?  You think I get PAID enough to take all
your stupid questions - do you?  That's it, I've
had it!  I Q-U-I-T!!!!!!

[Ed. Due to technical difficulties, The Q&A column
will not be appearing after this issue.  In its
place, Sally Westheimer will be starting a new
column - "The How To's of Getting Along with the
Outside World".  We apologize for any inconvenience.]           {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare Sysops who hasn't been
strung up by his rebellious users.  He is rumored to be in hiding
with the author of _Satanic Verses_ and protests the $4 million price
put on his head as being too small.  He formerly apologizes to all
women for whatever he must have done to not have had a date in three
years.  He lives with a cat named Spot and his BBS - The Particle
Board III (Fidonet 1:272/60).

